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  1. Posted: November 17, 2013

    A sexy movie producer returns home for work and is confronted with the reality of what he left behind.

    EdgeWriter Penpusher
    Added an answer on January 7, 2014 at 11:53 pm

    From your explanation above, I can't see any real drama other than two guys having a great night on the town whilst sorting their relationships with current and ex-girlfriends. Just a normal night on the town for most people. There's no drama. There's no goals. No goals means no conflict. No conflicRead more

    From your explanation above, I can’t see any real drama other than two guys having a great night on the town whilst sorting their relationships with current and ex-girlfriends. Just a normal night on the town for most people. There’s no drama. There’s no goals. No goals means no conflict. No conflict means no story.

    The only two story elements I get in your description are these:
    1) your hero must secure a mansion as a location for his bosses’ next film
    2) he’s a ‘family man’ but ‘hooks up’ with his ex-girlfriend

    The ingredients are there, you just need to stir them with the correct type of spoon 😉

    What you need to do is dramatise (and therefore visualise) your protagonist’s girlfriend issues by somehow tying them into the main goal, i.e. securing the mansion for filming.

    Okay, so now your hero has a specific goal – his boss sends him to Houston to meet with the owner of a mansion to secure it for the location of the bosses’ next film. The boss desperately wants this mansion; he’ll settle for nothing else, so failure to secure it will undoubtedly lead to the hero losing his job.

    So what’s stopping your hero securing the mansion? His ex-girlfriend owns it, and she’s not letting him have it unless he’s prepared to ‘hook up’ with her again, which, of course, he isn’t because he’s got a family back in California, and he’s also on a tight schedule. If he hasn’t secured the mansion by XXXX time on that day, he’s unemployed. What’s he going to do?

    Hi wife worsens the situation when she flies to Houston (either to sort out their marital problems or because she’s arranged to meet him for some R & R after he’s completed the purchase of the mansion. Ooops, what does she catch him doing?

    “A family man has one final chance to impress his movie mogul boss when he’s given twenty-four hours to secure a mansion location for a movie, but struggles when he discovers it’s owned by his psycho ex-girlfriend.”

    See how the issues between the hero and the ex-girlfriend are now dramatised and made visual? Your hero needs to secure the house for filming (outer goal), but he can only do that by dragging up his past and ‘hooking up’ with her again, which he doesn’t want to do (inner goal), so the only way he can get the house is to confront the past with his ex… ouch. Not only that, he’s also being forced to choose between his family and his career. He’s really got it tough, now.

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  2. Posted: January 6, 2014In: Public

    The host of a wildly successful all-star television variety show finds himself trapped in a virtual world full of limitations and hardships… OUR world.

    EdgeWriter Penpusher
    Added an answer on January 6, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    So what'sthe host's problem? Is that Our World exists in a different dimension to 'a wildly successful all-star television variety show'? What I'm getting at is that your logline should clearly state the protagonist's problem, the goal he needs to achieve by the end of the story and what stopping hiRead more

    So what’sthe host’s problem? Is that Our World exists in a different dimension to ‘a wildly successful all-star television variety show’? What I’m getting at is that your logline should clearly state the protagonist’s problem, the goal he needs to achieve by the end of the story and what stopping him achieving it.

    “When the host of a wildly successful all-star television variety show magically breaks the fourth wall and crawls out of a TV screen into the real world, he must navigate the grimy world of TV show business in order to find his way back…”

    A flabby example but I think it demonstrates the points I’m making.

    Good luck with the logline rewrite.

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  3. Posted: July 16, 2012In: Public

    A daughter and her father struggle to survive after the end of the world when a war ravaged the landscape 3 years earlier. They live their lives in the wilderness avoiding the city and all contact with people who have become vicious cannibals. When the father becomes ill the daughter must travel alone into the city but what awaits her is even more shocking than she could ever have imagined

    EdgeWriter Penpusher
    Added an answer on January 5, 2014 at 7:17 am

    A teenage girl who has never seen the outside world must venture out into a post apocalyptic country to find the cure for her dying father's illness.

    A teenage girl who has never seen the outside world must venture out into a post apocalyptic country to find the cure for her dying father’s illness.

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