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  1. Posted: July 24, 2012In: Public

    Fresh home from war, two brothers must defend their family when one brother?s past comes back to haunt them.

    Filmstar Penpusher
    Added an answer on July 24, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    I find this intriguing, but I ask myself 'why two brothers and not one ?' i.e Fresh home from war a young marine has to defend his family when his secret past comes back to haunt him.' (Excuse my extra words)

    I find this intriguing, but I ask myself ‘why two brothers and not one ?’ i.e Fresh home from war a young marine has to defend his family when his secret past comes back to haunt him.’ (Excuse my extra words)

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  2. Posted: July 24, 2012In: Public

    A recently unemployed man purchases a van to make money helping people move. Through this, he encounters a persuasive gentleman who offers him extra pay to transport illegal goods. After accepting the offer, a chain of events spiral into a sticky situation where he must use instincts to save his own life.

    Filmstar Penpusher
    Added an answer on July 24, 2012 at 1:58 am

    First, I think it's too long. Cut it down to 25 words max. Also, use sharp, easy-to-read language. Only use adverbs if they're really necessary. Here's a suggestion (I've added a few ideas of my own): "An unemployed man buys a removal van as a last attempt to save his family, but finds himself transRead more

    First, I think it’s too long. Cut it down to 25 words max. Also, use sharp, easy-to-read language. Only use adverbs if they’re really necessary. Here’s a suggestion (I’ve added a few ideas of my own):

    “An unemployed man buys a removal van as a last attempt to save his family, but finds himself transporting a dirty bomb at gunpoint; destination: The White House.”

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  3. Posted: July 24, 2012In: Public

    The Judge

    Filmstar Penpusher
    Added an answer on July 24, 2012 at 1:07 am

    Great feedback, thanks man.

    Great feedback, thanks man.

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