1. Posted: October 12, 2018In:

    With a wish granted, an angry and disillusioned man becomes a powerful god and must prevent the ordinary authorities from circumventing his goal to cleanse the earth of evil.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    I agree with Mike. You can't have a Goliath be the protagonist and little David be a weak antagonist. Now, having an "ordinary" public sector employee or police officer facing a godlike villain, yes, that could produce some empathy.

    I agree with Mike. You can’t have a Goliath be the protagonist and little David be a weak antagonist.

    Now, having an “ordinary” public sector employee or police officer facing a godlike villain, yes, that could produce some empathy.

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  2. Posted: October 12, 2018In:

    After his people were destroyed, a space-faring cybernetic gun-wielding samurai hunts down a powerful old enemy to avenge his people and prevent a devastating alien weapon from destroying all life.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    Great answer by Mike. I can add: define "his people." How about "his master?" Or "his teacher?" (A samurai can have either.) Or family? Or what? Probably, the logline's biggest problem is that it is generic. Get more specific with: 1. Who and what the protagonist is (cyber-samurai or whatever, but mRead more

    Great answer by Mike.

    I can add: define “his people.” How about “his master?” Or “his teacher?” (A samurai can have either.) Or family? Or what?

    Probably, the logline’s biggest problem is that it is generic. Get more specific with:

    1. Who and what the protagonist is (cyber-samurai or whatever, but make us SEE him clearly.
    2. What the antagonism / conflict is. Alien what?

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  3. Posted: October 12, 2018In:

    When a Major disappears after an skirmishes with enemy forces, a search and rescue is undertaken as a Rookie slowly uncovers the existence of a greater, more primal threat that evolves into a series of horrific encounters beyond their capabilities.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    Let's consider the formula's 3 elements. I think the confusion starts from choosing the Major's disappearance as the story's Event (call to adventure). Yes, the story start like this, but the actual Big Event is the creature's discovery and the fact that it is killing them off one by one. Thus, I woRead more

    Let’s consider the formula’s 3 elements.

    I think the confusion starts from choosing the Major’s disappearance as the story’s Event (call to adventure). Yes, the story start like this, but the actual Big Event is the creature’s discovery and the fact that it is killing them off one by one.

    Thus, I would start the logline with “When they uncover [an ancient killing giant] during a rescue mission…” or something similar.

    Then, the character: “… a [something something officer]…”

    Then the action: “… must [survive from its teeth].”

    OK, my choice of words sucks bigtime, but I hope it helps you see the 3 elements you need to nail.

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