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When a Nigerian foreign exchange student moves in with a white suburban, American family, cultural differences and close minded town ideals turns the once home, into a house of unrelated individuals
I like this logline a lot. I really like 'turns the once home, into a house of unrelated individuals'. I would try to shorten the first half of your logline, and focus more on these aspects of your script. I feel that 'cultural differences' and 'close minded town ideals' should be given more of an eRead more
I like this logline a lot. I really like ‘turns the once home, into a house of unrelated individuals’. I would try to shorten the first half of your logline, and focus more on these aspects of your script. I feel that ‘cultural differences’ and ‘close minded town ideals’ should be given more of an explanation.
See lessWhen a troubled journalist returns to her birthplace to investigate the mysterious death of her childhood friend, she finds herself fighting for survival against the satanic cult now secretly controlling the town.
I agree: 'fighting for survival' is too vague, and you should be more specific. I would lose 'secretly controlling the town', and instead delve more into the satanic cult in question. What is their endgame or reason for controlling the town? How did they rise to power? I would delete 'mysterious', sRead more
I agree: ‘fighting for survival’ is too vague, and you should be more specific. I would lose ‘secretly controlling the town’, and instead delve more into the satanic cult in question. What is their endgame or reason for controlling the town? How did they rise to power? I would delete ‘mysterious’, since you already have that she is investigating the death.
See lessNew Update feedback is much appreciated: A yakuza assassin defects after accepting a mission to escort a mysterious young girl. Uncovering her past, his mission becomes a desperate plight to save her.
I would change 'returns to the underworld for one last mission that will ensure his freedom'. Currently, it is too many words and could be explained a lot quicker. Also, I find the word 'underworld' too confusing and should be made clearer. I understood it soon as I read it, though after thinking moRead more
I would change ‘returns to the underworld for one last mission that will ensure his freedom’. Currently, it is too many words and could be explained a lot quicker. Also, I find the word ‘underworld’ too confusing and should be made clearer. I understood it soon as I read it, though after thinking more on it it does make me think he could be in literal Hell. This part of your opening sentence also reminds me too much of the plot to ‘John Wick’.
I like ‘treacherous plight’, though I would explain instead what actually he has to survive from. I would delete who he’s on the run from, and add in more of his struggles he has to go through.
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