1. Posted: January 21, 2014In:

    The lives of three teenage girls competing for their shot in the spotlight are put in danger when a horribly disfigured man living beneath the stage claims them as his lovers.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    Ok so this is a pretty good start but I think it could still do with some changes. You have the protagonist (good) their goal (good) and the obstacle (also really good). What you really need to do though is be a little more specific without increasing your word count. This is especially true of theiRead more

    Ok so this is a pretty good start but I think it could still do with some changes.

    You have the protagonist (good) their goal (good) and the obstacle (also really good).

    What you really need to do though is be a little more specific without increasing your word count. This is especially true of their goal. (for the record I hate multi-protagonist loglines, I think they’re almost always messy, but i’ll ignore that for now)

    This could be improved greatly if rather then writing ‘competing for their shot in the spotlight’ write what this actually is. It’s called Phantom of the Playhouse so I assume its for a part in an upcoming play. This also goes for ‘Put in Danger.’ For some reason this doesn’t sound very dangerous. Be more specific. “Must foil his evil plans” for example.

    Hope that helps

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  2. Posted: August 17, 2013In:

    When a governmental Space Station gets taken by a terrorist organisation, its headstrong Chief Architect must escape upon learning that the terrorists have also kidnapped her disabled husband back on earth.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    Thanks guys, all interesting points. Ive already planned and written over half of it so i dont think ill be making any of these extremely drastic changes that youve suggested. But they're all still good to have on the back for any re-writes that may (will) come a little later. I think the main thingRead more

    Thanks guys, all interesting points.

    Ive already planned and written over half of it so i dont think ill be making any of these extremely drastic changes that youve suggested. But they’re all still good to have on the back for any re-writes that may (will) come a little later.

    I think the main thing i have to concentrate on is to capitlize as much as possible on the idea that she has ‘insider’ knowledge on the space station, power that she can (and does) use to her advantage. Useing this to foil the bad guys as much as possible

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  3. Posted: August 17, 2013In:

    When a governmental Space Station gets taken by a terrorist organisation, its headstrong Chief Architect must escape upon learning that the terrorists have also kidnapped her disabled husband back on earth.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    Thanks guys. You both bring up some interesting points. I think my main problem is that that third act takes place off the station and back on Earth. I may have to think about changing this. Or if not, give her a stronger goal while on the station rather than just trying to escape. And Nichols, I thRead more

    Thanks guys.

    You both bring up some interesting points. I think my main problem is that that third act takes place off the station and back on Earth. I may have to think about changing this. Or if not, give her a stronger goal while on the station rather than just trying to escape.

    And Nichols, I think like the logline that you’ve given me. It is far more succinct.

    “When terrorists take over a space station, its headstrong architect must force an escape when she discovers that they’ve also kidnapped her disabled husband back on Earth”

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