1. Posted: August 17, 2013In:

    When a governmental Space Station gets taken by a terrorist organisation, its headstrong Chief Architect must escape upon learning that the terrorists have also kidnapped her disabled husband back on earth.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    Hey Richiev, That kind of is what happens hah. She doesnt manage to escape until the end of the second Act. This is after she tries to escape and avoid the terrorists while also hindering their plans. Becuase I wanted to put her main goal in the logline (rescuing her husband) I couldnt figure out hoRead more

    Hey Richiev,

    That kind of is what happens hah. She doesnt manage to escape until the end of the second Act. This is after she tries to escape and avoid the terrorists while also hindering their plans.

    Becuase I wanted to put her main goal in the logline (rescuing her husband) I couldnt figure out how to put all this in the logline without it coming out too long and confused?

    thanks for your input though

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  2. Posted: August 16, 2013In:

    In the city of the future, a young man takes on a series of mind-bending, gladiatorial games to win back the woman he loves. If he dies, she suffers; but to survive, he?ll have to break the city?s only rule.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    I really like this idea. I think it would benefit though if you change the way it's written, only slighty. A logline is about making the story as clear as possible. To do this I suggest writing it as a series of causes and events. So with this logline I would re-word it like so: In a city of the futRead more

    I really like this idea. I think it would benefit though if you change the way it’s written, only slighty.

    A logline is about making the story as clear as possible. To do this I suggest writing it as a series of causes and events. So with this logline I would re-word it like so:

    In a city of the future, when the woman he loves is taken by (whoever) a young man must take on a series of mind bending, gladiatorial games to win her back or risk losing her forever.”

    Obviously rather than the ‘risk loseing her forever’ bit, i would make the stakes a little clearer.

    And i dont think that you need the ‘breaking the city’s one rule’ line. This just makes the logline more confusing and makes it read more like a tagline.

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  3. Posted: August 7, 2013In:

    When an ex UN officer turned professional election fixer working to ensure victory for a brutal dictator is scapegoated by his latest client, he uses every dirty trick he knows to try and win power for a little-known rebel group that not only promises freedom for their people – but payback for him.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    This isnt bad, the structure is all right but there's way to must info being thrown at the reader. Firstly, take the second line "working to ensure victory for a brutal dictator is scapegoated by his latest client" and condense it. Something as simple as "tricked by..." or "stabbed in the back by,"Read more

    This isnt bad, the structure is all right but there’s way to must info being thrown at the reader.

    Firstly, take the second line “working to ensure victory for a brutal dictator is scapegoated by his latest client” and condense it. Something as simple as “tricked by…” or “stabbed in the back by,” will make it much easier to understand. We dont need all that info about working to ensure a latest victory etc

    And do a similar thing with the second part, his goal. try and get it down to as few words as possible. It may be annoying cutting out all the ‘good’ bits but it makes it alot easier to follow whats going on

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