1. Posted: July 23, 2013In:

    A college student attempts to raise funds for his survival, by hosting a huge house party during the initial days of a zombie outbreak. But when local law enforcement busts the party, we learn they?re not just there for the noise complaints.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    I find this a little confusing and im not sure if its the premise or the way you've written it out in the logine. I think that by you just need to cut back on the information that you give. The fact that its a house party being hosted during a zombie outbreak is enough. That thing with the cops feelRead more

    I find this a little confusing and im not sure if its the premise or the way you’ve written it out in the logine.

    I think that by you just need to cut back on the information that you give. The fact that its a house party being hosted during a zombie outbreak is enough. That thing with the cops feels more like a mid-point twist rather than an initial plot point.

    I would try re-writting it like this (keep in mind that i obviously dont have all the facts about your story and this is just based off your initial logline)

    “When a zombie outbreak threatens to take over society, a college student decides that the best way to ensure his survival will be to throw a house party and raise the necassary funds”…or something along those lines

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  2. Posted: July 24, 2013In:

    When a cop determines that the ends justifies the means in keeping the streets safe he falls from grace and finds himself on the wrong side of the law running for his life.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    That opening line about 'the ends justifying the means' sounds like you're over-explaining the character flaw. Try and find a word or two to condense this e.g 'reckless' but better I guess. You also need to add all the basic elements of a logline. This one reads like its the situation of the moive yRead more

    That opening line about ‘the ends justifying the means’ sounds like you’re over-explaining the character flaw. Try and find a word or two to condense this e.g ‘reckless’ but better I guess.

    You also need to add all the basic elements of a logline. This one reads like its the situation of the moive you’re telling us rather than the story.

    You need to tell us what the inciting incident is (the when) and the protag’s goal (the what). These are ultimately the two most important elements of any logline

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  3. Posted: July 23, 2013In:

    A cop must track down a violent criminal loose in the crime free society of 2050 and learns something about the killer that is set to change her and this utopian society. Psychological thriller.

    jamesmichael Penpusher

    All the elements are here to make up a great logline. I think that it may take you a few goes to get it right though. Firstly, take out the 'psychological thriller.' If you've done your work properly with the logline then we should be able to work the genre out for ourselves. Also i would suggest geRead more

    All the elements are here to make up a great logline. I think that it may take you a few goes to get it right though.

    Firstly, take out the ‘psychological thriller.’ If you’ve done your work properly with the logline then we should be able to work the genre out for ourselves.

    Also i would suggest getting rid of the 2050. Unless this date is extremely important to the story, i think writing ‘in a future society’ should be enough.

    Next, you’ve identified your protagonist,the cop. That’s good. I always suggest giving them a flaw if possible. It could be something as simple as ‘a nieve’ cop. This automatically presents the story with so many more options then simply stating that he’s a ‘cop.’

    Next, this is the big one, make his goal clear. The logline should almost always end with a statement of what the goal is. You kind of have that here. I would suggest changing up the order to end on this goal, it makes the story much easier to read.

    And finally include the inciting incident. When does he start going after this killer? Why does he start going after this killer? What gets the story going.

    An example of how I would re-write this logline (based off the info you’ve given provided” would be –

    “Set in a future society, when the first murder in a generation takes place, a nieve cop must stop the killer from striking again before the structure of this Utopian society crumbles”

    hopes this helps

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