Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
A whistle blowing scientist is forced back into service by the military when her own top-secret anti-gravitational experiment goes awry.
I like it, but took me a few times to read it and digest. So let's try cleaning it up to give it the immediate punch you'll need when using it as your pitch. "A top-secret government experiment goes awry, forcing the whistle-blowing scientist back into the military lab to ..... " (Fill in the rest)Read more
I like it, but took me a few times to read it and digest. So let’s try cleaning it up to give it the immediate punch you’ll need when using it as your pitch.
“A top-secret government experiment goes awry, forcing the whistle-blowing scientist back into the military lab to ….. ” (Fill in the rest)
This will help define the mission as well as capture the sense of urgency.
See lessWhen the overbearing family of a recently deceased young woman refuses to acknowledge her undocumented funeral wishes, her lackadaisical boyfriend must dig up the body in the middle of the night and embark on an odyssey to give her the burial she wanted, finally learning to fully appreciate her along the way.
Your rewrite is better in size and context! Here?s my suggestion on clean up: Troy decides to dig up his deceased girlfriend?s body to properly respect her burial wishes after her terrorizing hauntings bring him to near death.? I?m not sure it?s essential to include the bit about the family since itRead more
Your rewrite is better in size and context!
Here?s my suggestion on clean up:
Troy decides to dig up his deceased girlfriend?s body to properly respect her burial wishes after her terrorizing hauntings bring him to near death.?
I?m not sure it?s essential to include the bit about the family since it?s not necessary to the sales pitch?.
See lessWhen the overbearing family of a recently deceased young woman refuses to acknowledge her undocumented funeral wishes, her lackadaisical boyfriend must dig up the body in the middle of the night and embark on an odyssey to give her the burial she wanted, finally learning to fully appreciate her along the way.
This was prior to your rewrite so I'll opine on it, too. But here are my thoughts on your first submission. This sounds sick! Haha Let?s give some constructive criticism to help mold it into a better formatted logline. Troy digs up the body of his deceased girlfriend to give her the proper burial shRead more
This was prior to your rewrite so I’ll opine on it, too. But here are my thoughts on your first submission.
This sounds sick! Haha
Let?s give some constructive criticism to help mold it into a better formatted logline.
Troy digs up the body of his deceased girlfriend to give her the proper burial she wanted after her overbearing family ignored her wishes, taking him on an odyssey of the heart.?
1. Loglines need to be concise and easily understood. Your original submission is wordy and one long run-on sentence. But it serves as a great starting point so good job!
2. My revision may sound fluffy, but I wanted to illustrate how you can take your idea and scale it down without sacrificing message or content.
3. Give your protagonist an identity ? using first names help or even a title such as Dr.? or Vice President? or Colonel?.
4. Is there potential for him to fail? If so, then what happens if he does?
5. Will the woman?s family play an integral role in the story or is it just a backdrop?
6. Which genre are you leaning to since this could fall into any of the following: horror, sci-fi, drama (a sick drama haha), comedy
Hope to hear your thoughts and to re-read your revisions.
See less