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In 16th century Japan the African slave of a Jesuit priest rises to become a samurai in the service of its most powerful warlord and faces a corrupt general who plans to topple him.
Hi Martin, I love it. Forgive my ignorance. Is this an original story or are you writing the logline for an existing tale? Your first job would be to introduce commas... Two, to be precise. Can you figure out where? :) Happy loglining! Cheers, Karel
Hi Martin,
I love it.
Forgive my ignorance. Is this an original story or are you writing the logline for an existing tale?
Your first job would be to introduce commas… Two, to be precise.
Can you figure out where? 🙂
Happy loglining!
Cheers,
Karel
See lessWhen a egocentric scientist is abducted by a intergalactic tyrant. She must band together with her fellow captives and escape the prison ship and warn earth of its imminent destruction.
Hi Andrew, Great to see you active in our new look site! I like the concept, but think you can improve the actual logline. "When a egocentric scientist ... tyrant" is a subclause. You can't end it on a full-stop. Also the 'and' - 'and' sounds awkward. A few words on the story: it is plain and simpleRead more
Hi Andrew,
Great to see you active in our new look site! I like the concept, but think you can improve the actual logline.
“When a egocentric scientist … tyrant” is a subclause. You can’t end it on a full-stop.
Also the ‘and’ – ‘and’ sounds awkward.
A few words on the story: it is plain and simple, and may well work. That said, there isn’t really anything super exciting about the concept that makes it stand out. These days, to get interest in a SciFi concept, it must be highly unique. Mostly they’re high concept. This isn’t really…
That said, the stakes are high, and the goal is clear.
My final point: it feels like the story isn’t over when Earthy is simple ‘warned’. The enemy is still on its way…
So I’m expecting there will be a battle in Act 3? Try to work it into the logline, in a way that sounds appealing.
See lessSeeking revenge for her sexual assault a woman crosses the line into vigilante; she is now hunted by police and the community she believes she protects.
Structurally, it sounds like a FUGITIVE story. The vigilante aspect of this story is interesting, and perhaps you can elaborate on this a little. To keep the logline transparent, perhaps you can start with the default formula: "When a woman is sexually assaulted, she becomes a vigilante [doing what?Read more
Structurally, it sounds like a FUGITIVE story.
The vigilante aspect of this story is interesting, and perhaps you can elaborate on this a little.
To keep the logline transparent, perhaps you can start with the default formula: “When a woman is sexually assaulted, she becomes a vigilante [doing what?], being hunted by the police as she protects her community.”
I would remove “she believes”, as a logline is to be read from the POV of the main character.
Finally “a woman” is quite bland for a main character. Can you give her more of a face? A flaw?
See less