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A self-centered race car mechanic must infiltrate a large corporate sponsor to learn the truth about her grandfather's death.
A self-centered race car mechanic must infiltrate a large corporate sponsor to learn the truth about her grandfather's death. Agreed with Nicholas: what is the relevance of the flaw within the 'outer journey'? But my main issue is the lack of stakes. She won't be able to get grandfather back, whatevRead more
A self-centered race car mechanic must infiltrate a large corporate sponsor to learn the truth about her grandfather’s death.
Agreed with Nicholas: what is the relevance of the flaw within the ‘outer journey’?
But my main issue is the lack of stakes. She won’t be able to get grandfather back, whatever the Big Reveal may be. And forgive my crudeness, but that’s what old people do: they die. Why would the audience care? So give us a damn good reason why she would even enter the corporation in the first place.
Until we find out what the Big Mystery is, there really is very little to pull me into this story.
Alfred Hitchcock was right when he said that mystery rarely works on the screen. What you need is suspense. So until your race car mechanic is in danger of her life, this movie won’t work.
I can sense that there is a whole lot more to this story but you’ll need to bring it out and make the logline more specific and more appealing.
See lessA meticulous hitman unwittingly becomes a tool in a complex scheme of revenge by a woman he regards as nothing more than a one night stand.
Even if you can make this story work in the script, you'll need to rewrite the logline as it lacks logic: you end the sentence with the event that kicks off the story. Always try to tell your screen stories sequentially, whether it be the logline, synopsis or script. So better to start: "After a oneRead more
Even if you can make this story work in the script, you’ll need to rewrite the logline as it lacks logic: you end the sentence with the event that kicks off the story. Always try to tell your screen stories sequentially, whether it be the logline, synopsis or script.
So better to start: “After a one-night-stand, a meticulous hitman…”
Is ‘meticulous’ a strength or a weakness? He doesn’t seem too meticulous as he’s dropped the ball in this case. Why did he overlook this? It may come down to his REAL flaw, i.e. the one he needs to overcome. Perhaps he is perfect in his observation and planning – except with women…
Finally, I concur with Tony above about the character’s passivity.
See lessWhen a decorated cop discovers his wife is dying of cancer he sets out to rob a bank to give her the holiday of a lifetime.
I agree with dpg. I can see the story work if the cop is in essence flawed and has to pay penance for this crime at the end of the story but to make this work, you'll need to build a better case. You can plant the seed of the cop's weakness - use his connections and his perceived integrity to make tRead more
I agree with dpg. I can see the story work if the cop is in essence flawed and has to pay penance for this crime at the end of the story but to make this work, you’ll need to build a better case.
You can plant the seed of the cop’s weakness – use his connections and his perceived integrity to make the robbery work – in the logline, that way the moral flaw becomes a part of the story and we have hope that he redeems himself.
Unfortunately the loved one dying of cancer is not really a unique case… What makes this case so special? Special enough to take this action??
The second act is all about the bank robbery I assume but nothing is mentioned about this in the logline. So we only really learn about his DECISION. But what is the genre? What to expect about the 2nd act, which makes up the bulk of your story?
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