1. Posted: February 11, 2013In:

    A cleptomaniac rich boy wanted for almost killing a clerk in a theft crosses life with a homeless writer when he steals and loses the novel he had finally finished.

    Karel Segers Logliner

    I find it refreshing that the structure of this logline goes against the mould. The homeless writer is probably the hero, as he will need to fight to get the novel back. Or perhaps there's even a dual journey... I like it! We have an obsessive (the writer desperate to get his novel back) and a compuRead more

    I find it refreshing that the structure of this logline goes against the mould. The homeless writer is probably the hero, as he will need to fight to get the novel back. Or perhaps there’s even a dual journey…

    I like it!

    We have an obsessive (the writer desperate to get his novel back) and a compulsive (the cleptomaniac) character.

    Can’t go wrong with that.

    It’s also great that you don’t need to explicitly state the goal or the stakes. Your concept assumes both implicitly.

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  2. Posted: March 21, 2013In:

    A dishelved single father sous chef battles a gambling addiction, when he blows the rent, the local heavy landlord threatens to put his son out on the street, with time running out he must recoup the rent and save his son from sale.

    Karel Segers Logliner

    'Disheveled', I presume? "When he blows the rent" is not a strong inciting incident because he brings it onto himself. The goal of this movie is 'to pay the rent'. Despite the complications, it is not really an interesting premise. And what is so interesting about the gambling sous-chef? There mustRead more

    ‘Disheveled’, I presume?

    “When he blows the rent” is not a strong inciting incident because he brings it onto himself.

    The goal of this movie is ‘to pay the rent’. Despite the complications, it is not really an interesting premise.

    And what is so interesting about the gambling sous-chef? There must be a very good reason to give this character this particular function. What is it?

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  3. Posted: March 21, 2013In:

    A troubled Chicago banker who struggles to get by every day due to his traumatic past steals little amount of money from the people who tormented him when he was younger, but seeing his own wealth grow he starts to steal from others.

    Karel Segers Logliner

    This sounds messy. What is the inciting incident? Where does the story start? Why now? Why would we be interested or even like this stealing banker? Because he was bullied in the past? This stealing, how long is it going on for?? Then, is he just going to continue doing his banking business? It is oRead more

    This sounds messy.

    What is the inciting incident? Where does the story start? Why now?

    Why would we be interested or even like this stealing banker? Because he was bullied in the past?

    This stealing, how long is it going on for?? Then, is he just going to continue doing his banking business? It is open-ended and not particularly interesting.

    It sounds like not just the logline leaves room for improvement, the story itself is not focused.

    Back to the drawing board!

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