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When a rebellious bigoted Hells Angel member is shot by a Notorius gang member, his Irish, Jewish great grandmother takes his spirit back to her life in nineteenth century Ireland to see the effects of ignorance and to change his attitudes while his sister and the sister of the boy who shot him investigate what led to the incident.
As earlier comments suggest, this logline is problematic. But breaking it down helps: 1. (When a rebellious bigoted Hells Angel member is shot by a Notorius gang member,) his Irish, Jewish great grandmother takes his spirit back to her life in nineteenth century Ireland to see the effects of ignoranRead more
As earlier comments suggest, this logline is problematic. But breaking it down helps:
1. (When a rebellious bigoted Hells Angel member is shot by a Notorius gang member,) his Irish, Jewish great grandmother takes his spirit back to her life in nineteenth century Ireland to see the effects of ignorance and to change his attitudes (while)
2. his sister and the sister of the boy who shot him investigate what led to the incident
First problem: We have two stories rolled into one logline. Pick one.
Second problem: The first story is not cinematic. “to see the effects of ignorance” is way to broad for a screen story.
I hope this helps!
Oh, and yes, you will need to edit. :O)
See lessAfter his wife is killed by a rival street gang, a reformed criminal follows his dreams to teach music. But when a school shooting forces lockdown, he must protect a disabled protege.
Hey Tor, You shouldn't need to put the full story up... Try and make things clear from the logline. (I think one of the attractions of this site is that we don't have to read long synopses. :) ) Here's my immediate tweak: During a lockdown after a school shooting, a music teacher must protect his diRead more
Hey Tor,
You shouldn’t need to put the full story up… Try and make things clear from the logline. (I think one of the attractions of this site is that we don’t have to read long synopses. 🙂 )
Here’s my immediate tweak:
During a lockdown after a school shooting, a music teacher must protect his disabled protege using the skills from his street gang past.
Without having read the synopsis, it seems the wife’s death is back story.
I hope this helps!
See lessWhen an arrogant, big-shot Hollywood Producer fails at murdering a big-shot actor, he must hunt down the star before the news gets out and ruins his career.
Hi Andrew, Richiev nailed it. As you put it here, I would consider telling the story from the POV of the actor, as we'll feel his jeopardy. Then, he needs to stay alive and bring the producer to justice. Perhaps the producer is redeemable and they both learn that they can help each other get what thRead more
Hi Andrew,
Richiev nailed it.
As you put it here, I would consider telling the story from the POV of the actor, as we’ll feel his jeopardy.
Then, he needs to stay alive and bring the producer to justice.
Perhaps the producer is redeemable and they both learn that they can help each other get what they want?
Sorry, now I’m rewriting the story. 🙂
K
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