1. Posted: November 4, 2012In:

    A young female assassin becomes the target when her ex-SAS uncle comes looking for revenge for the murder of his brother, her abusive father.

    Karel Segers Logliner

    The logline doesn't focus on what the heroine does/has to do. Rather it revolves around the inciting incident. The story only starts when the father comes after her. Now what is she going to do? Technically we can predict what will happen but it sounds better if the logline is written from the mainRead more

    The logline doesn’t focus on what the heroine does/has to do. Rather it revolves around the inciting incident. The story only starts when the father comes after her. Now what is she going to do? Technically we can predict what will happen but it sounds better if the logline is written from the main character’s objective.

    ‘Young’ doesn’t add much value. Is there a character journey? What does she learn? How does she change? Rather include the weakness/flaw if there is any.

    Mind the repetitious sound of ‘becomes’/’comes’.

    See if you can change the whole structure around. The sentence sounds unfortunate: “for revenge for”, “her .. uncle”, his brother, her … father”.

    In terms of story I believe there can be a suspenseful movie but we would care more if we understand a little more about the character(s), hence the possible inclusion of a journey for her.

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  2. Posted: November 1, 2012In:

    Embarking on a mission to save his people from a terrible famin a young tribe leader must defeat his demons, both real and imagined, in order to restore peace and destroy a new dictatorship created by his once trusted second in command during his absence.

    Karel Segers Logliner

    I sense real potential in this story. The former ally turning against the hero is a powerful premise. Also there are several major obstacles to overcome: famine and a villain. The famine is the backdrop, much like the war in a war movie. The real drama is between the characters. However by putting tRead more

    I sense real potential in this story. The former ally turning against the hero is a powerful premise. Also there are several major obstacles to overcome: famine and a villain. The famine is the backdrop, much like the war in a war movie. The real drama is between the characters. However by putting the famine upfront in the logline, you’re weakening its dramatic power.

    So an issue is the order in which you reveal the story information. The story really starts when the dictatorship is installed, which is only mentioned towards the end of the logline. I like when events in a story are revealed more or less (chrono)logically in the logline. That way it makes sense while we’re reading it and we don’t have to re-read too often.

    “a young tribe leader must defeat his demons, both real and imagined” is the heart of this story and logline. Two problems here: 1) the ‘imagined demons’ refer to the character fears/flaw/weakness. In that sense, the statement is generic because pretty much every hero in every great story has to defeat their inner demons. 2) the real demons are at first not specified, then later in the logline you clarify it is in fact his second in command.

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  3. Posted: October 24, 2012In:

    Jaws on the Moors.

    Karel Segers Logliner

    Hi Robert, Thanks for posting. However, this is not a logline. It is a tag line. Check our 'how to' section: https://loglines.org/howto Then post your new draft in the comments and I'll change it in the heading as well.

    Hi Robert,

    Thanks for posting. However, this is not a logline. It is a tag line.

    Check our ‘how to’ section: https://loglines.org/howto

    Then post your new draft in the comments and I’ll change it in the heading as well.

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