1. Posted: January 23, 2018In:

    When they accidentally unfreeze a war party, two cavemen brothers must go with them to the lair of a savage yeti tribe to rescue and awaken the only goddess who can end the ice age.

    Knightrider Mentor

    There is a little too much going on here and from reading it seems a little confusing. What?s a war party? An army, a political group that supports war? Were they already fighting this thing? Why must they go with them and how do you accidentally unfreeze someone or something during an ice age? HaviRead more

    There is a little too much going on here and from reading it seems a little confusing. What?s a war party? An army, a political group that supports war?
    Were they already fighting this thing? Why must they go with them and how do you accidentally unfreeze someone or something during an ice age?

    Having a quick stab myself: When the Godness of Ice is kidnaped on his watch, a reluctant warrior must lead what?s left of his people to save her before her power is used to create a new ice age.

    It is still a bit messy, but I think it is an easier read. Gives a bit of motivation and arc for the character. Granted you could add who by so get antagonist in there, but up to you.

    At the moment all these events seem unconnected to me. Hope that helps

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  2. Posted: January 15, 2018In:

    When an assassin whose memories are erased after every hit falls in love with his latest target, he must find who wants her dead to get the contract cancelled, but doing so will trigger his next memory reboot.

    Knightrider Mentor

    Hmm, I was going with a concept that he works for a firm, which acts as a kinda middleman, so he wouldn?t know the who hired him directly. This way it prevents him turning on them. So he?d need to find out who wanted the hit, but he can?t get it cancelled as that would also perform a reboot. I willRead more

    Hmm, I was going with a concept that he works for a firm, which acts as a kinda middleman, so he wouldn?t know the who hired him directly. This way it prevents him turning on them.
    So he?d need to find out who wanted the hit, but he can?t get it cancelled as that would also perform a reboot. I will see about tweaking

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  3. Posted: January 7, 2018In:

    When a grieving widow learns her husband took a bullet intended for her, she must survive long enough to discover who wants her dead.

    Best Answer
    Knightrider Mentor

    It would seem she would know why someone would want her dead, it isn?t like it happens everyday, so even if her husband took the bullet she?d probably have a good idea who did it. You could perhaps fix this by establishing a reason why the husband may have also been targeted. Maybe he has a past thaRead more

    It would seem she would know why someone would want her dead, it isn?t like it happens everyday, so even if her husband took the bullet she?d probably have a good idea who did it.

    You could perhaps fix this by establishing a reason why the husband may have also been targeted. Maybe he has a past that she assumes has comeback to haunt him, but in actuality it is her past that is coming to haunt her. Anyways, it just needs something to clarify how it is such a mystery that she didn?t know and wouldn?t know who would want them dead.

    Of course you can have her explore obvious answers, but then your logline would need to reflect that she was the intended target ?When her husband is killed in an attempted gang-hit on her life, a by-the-book senator decides to use her position to start a turf war to wipe out all the gangs at once?

    That may not be where you are going, it just puts the assignation upfront.

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