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When he youngest of three sisters, depending on her boyfriend for happiness, crosses the Atlantic Ocean to say good-bye to her estranged father before he dies, she must confront and finally put an end to the painful patterns of her childhood that have affected all her relationships.
"An over-reliant romantic must independently see her dying father one last time all whilst confronting the resurrecting demons of her long forgotten childhood." Sorry if my attempt at condensing your logline doesn't quite line up with your story since I honestly had trouble understanding the intricaRead more
“An over-reliant romantic must independently see her dying father one last time all whilst confronting the resurrecting demons of her long forgotten childhood.”
Sorry if my attempt at condensing your logline doesn’t quite line up with your story since I honestly had trouble understanding the intricacies of said story. For clarity’s sake try to omit details such as, “the youngest of three sisters,” and “cross[ing] the Atlantic Occean,” since these come off as unnecessary given they don’t seem to have all that much significance, ay least as far as the logline alone goes.
See lessAn over-ambitious aspiring author must focus significant time on long neglected relationships to improve his mental wellbeing all whilst struggling to meet self-imposed deadlines for his debut novel.
Hi Ben, Your response made me realise that part of my logline came off as unclear, here is a revision: "An over-ambitious aspiring author must focus significant time on long neglected relationships to improve his mental wellbeing all whilst struggling to meet self-imposed deadlines for his debut novRead more
Hi Ben,
Your response made me realise that part of my logline came off as unclear, here is a revision:
“An over-ambitious aspiring author must focus significant time on long neglected relationships to improve his mental wellbeing all whilst struggling to meet self-imposed deadlines for his debut novel.”
See lessA race car driver who comes out of retirement signs up for a televised deadly game show with another driver who hates him.
As NavCR implied, this logline is doesn't do a good job of differentiating itself from existing works of fiction, that being Death Race in this case. The protagonist isn't unique. I could think of a thousand race car drivers that could fit this description. You need to be more descriptive so I haveRead more
As NavCR implied, this logline is doesn’t do a good job of differentiating itself from existing works of fiction, that being Death Race in this case.
The protagonist isn’t unique. I could think of a thousand race car drivers that could fit this description. You need to be more descriptive so I have a clear image of who is driving this story, literally. At the very least consider something along the likes of a retired race car driver, or a paraplegic race car driver, or an overconfident race car driver, or hell maybe a horribly lost Uber driver, etc.
There is no inciting incident mentioned in the logline. Mentioning that one “finds” themselves in a scenario doesn’t describe to me how or why they got there.
The conflict is almost non-existent in that the concept danger is merely implied with the dystopian archetype of a deadly game show. I need a conflict that is specific to the protagonist with at least an implication as to whom the antagonist is. As of now the antagonist could very well be another driver, the show-runners themselves or even the protagonist him/herself.
Sorry if this comes off very negatively, I kinda feel rude only being able to put it so bluntly but I hope this helps.
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