Richiev’s version does, as you said, cut right to the heart of the plot. I think the inciting incident (of Richiev’s version) could do with clarifying the relationship between the fatal accident and the father, and also the accident and the newlyweds. How those three elements relate to each other is what the entire plot hangs on.

A logline shouldn’t be vague. What you’re aiming for (in my opinion) is for the what the reader sees in their head to be as close to yours as possible. As you mentioned yourself, it’s the specifics of the story that set it apart from other similar ideas.

After a body is discovered, a local law enforcer must track down the killer before others die.

Consider the above. It’s a bit vague, right? This logline could apply to countless crime dramas. The film I was imagining in my head was actually Jaws. Specificity is key!

Title: RHSC. In my opinion, I would consider other options. Using an acronym that isn’t part of everyday language, and I’m guessing, probably won’t have “(Red-Headed Step Child)” underneath, won’t mean a lot to people. The title is a really important element in this process and it must work really well with the logline. In my head, someone reads the title, then the logline, then back to the title, and understands 100% why that’s what this is called. I’m gonna use Jaws again – imagine you saw the title, then read a logline, then the title again – it makes perfect sense, right? If the logline focuses on the aftermath of a child’s death – absolutely understand why this child would be referenced in the title – something like “The Boy Next Door” would work really well (in my opinion). It’s a well-known phrase but you’re subverting the expectation straight out of the gate by making it about this kid’s death instead of a rom-com. If the logline makes it clear that this couple were involved in the death of the boy next door and the kid’s father wants revenge…. then you read the title again… makes sense to me.

Anyway… welcome to the site. Hope you stick around. Check out other people’s loglines, read the comments, and, ideally, add your own thoughts. The best way to develop your own skills is by learning to recognise common problems with other people’s loglines and then try (this is the tricky bit!) to apply what you’ve learnt to your next one. Loglines are really tough though – they have to do so much with so little and critiquing is sooooooo much easier than writing your own!

Why is someone murdering people seemingly at random? There must be a reason for it. All the best guys ever written have a motive. Without it they’re just flat, lifeless, and unbelievable.

The idea of a murder mystery on a plane is interesting though.

I’d give us a single protagonist rather than just “the crew”. Who is “the detective” in this mystery?

Title wise… it’s a bit long. I’ve flown a lot and never heard the captain address the passengers as “passengers”. Usually, “ladies and gentlemen” or similar. Also, this title, to me, suggests something comedic. Is that the case? Murder on the Orient Express but on a plane? Murder at 36,000 feet? Maybe this is the maiden voyage of a new airliner? I’m just thinking out loud.

I think the premise is interesting. Just need to work on the execution.