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A disillusioned Catholic priest, the illegitimate son of a billionaire becomes the first American Pope, overturning Rome?s age-old canons. The first Pope to resign in 600 years, he abdicates the pomp and power of the papacy, to return to the woman he loves.
I agree with Richiev and dpg. Writing a story that is seemingly set in our world would have our history. Changing something (somewhat unnecessarily tbh) like this will make readers just focus on the inaccuracies rather than the story. What difference does it actually make for him to be the 2nd? Or 3Read more
I agree with Richiev and dpg. Writing a story that is seemingly set in our world would have our history. Changing something (somewhat unnecessarily tbh) like this will make readers just focus on the inaccuracies rather than the story.
What difference does it actually make for him to be the 2nd? Or 3rd? or 4th? He’s already breaking ground in being the first American Pope… the simple fact that he’s abdicating for the woman he loves is the story. Not how many others have abdicated before him.
Don’t let a potentially good story be sidetracked by a minor point that is really not worth fighting for.
The fact that he’s an illegitimate son of a billionaire… is that important?
It is probably unlikely that anyone here is going to read your script (I’ve asked the very same question when I first joined). The whole point of a logline is that a reader can understand the story enough so they don’t have to read the script. A logline is the first thing a person will read so it’s really important that it’s as good as it can be and that’s the?primary purpose of this site. To help nail a good logline. However it’s always worth remembering that a great story can have a bad logline ?but a bad story can never have a great logline.
From my own painful experience too, always write the logline first. If story issues are pointed out here based on your logline – no big deal – you’re tweaking 35 words. If something is pointed out in a logline and the script is written…. could be a disaster.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter her attorney husband shows her an obscure tax law discriminating against men, future Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg uses it to challenge laws that discriminate against women.
Could you just say "case" rather than "tax law case"? He's a tax attorney so is it not a bit of a given??I'm being super picky and also I like the repetition of law(s) so feel free to disregard. I haven't seen the film but the only thing is that I wonder if "challenge" can be something more dramaticRead more
Could you just say “case” rather than “tax law case”? He’s a tax attorney so is it not a bit of a given??I’m being super picky and also I like the repetition of law(s) so feel free to disregard.
I haven’t seen the film but the only thing is that I wonder if “challenge” can be something more dramatic. “fights against laws” or something. This to me suggests a bit more passion and drama than simply challenging something.
See lessWhen a human cared jackdaw learns to fly it must be accepted by its original colony on the town square, but when a cruel politician hunts the colony into a cold forest, the jackdaw is being blamed and must rebuild trust to the town people so the colony can return home.
I'm a little confused. The jackdaw protagonist has to rebuild trust from the rest of the colony or the townspeople? If this politician has chased them out, why is he not just going to do that again? Surely in order to regain their home they must either get rid of the politician or do something for tRead more
I’m a little confused. The jackdaw protagonist has to rebuild trust from the rest of the colony or the townspeople? If this politician has chased them out, why is he not just going to do that again? Surely in order to regain their home they must either get rid of the politician or do something for the townspeople to want them there. Do the jackdaws talk to each other? Do they talk to humans?
You say “must be accepted” – I would reserve “musts” for the goal. Since this has to happen for the story to happen and is fundamental to give us the goal, I would just go with “is accepted”.
Why does the politician chase the colony away?
This is very wordy and there’s a lot that can easily be trimmed. Why does it matter that this happens when the jackdaw learns to fly? Why is it a cold forest? “being blamed” can just be “blamed”. Think about what is absolutely necessary to understand this story and ditch the rest. You’re aiming for 35 words or less (fewer the better).
My biggest issue is that I just don’t see how, once they’ve been kicked out, they can ever return back. Rebuilding trust doesn’t automatically get their home back so even if they trust people again it doesn’t mean anything. You’ve set the politician up as the antagonist – not people in general. So in order to get their home back they have to deal with this politician directly.
Why jackdaws? Just out of curiosity.
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