Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
A grieving girl gets involved in a dangerous investigation, which leads her back to her mother’s homicide.
Agree with dpg and RichieV's version gives me a much better idea as to what's actually going on. "girl" - is she 6? or 16? You are reducing the main character to an incredibly broad brush stroke. We can infer that she is young but how young is fundamental to understanding the story. Specificity thatRead more
Agree with dpg and RichieV’s version gives me a much better idea as to what’s actually going on.
“girl” – is she 6? or 16? You are reducing the main character to an incredibly broad brush stroke. We can infer that she is young but how young is fundamental to understanding the story. Specificity that is relevant to the story you are trying to tell is key!
You don’t actually specify that the investigation she gets involved in is her mother’s. It might not be however I struggle to see why a “girl” (with no reason to be looking into an investigation from what I can tell) finds herself in this position without personal interest. If you told us that the investigation involved a killer with the same M.O. as in her mother’s case then I would understand it but as it stands there is no connection so I’m forced to guess – and as dpg pointed out – I shouldn’t have to.
Ambiguity is where loglines go to die! Be specific. Make sure we understand exactly what’s going on and why. In under 35 words. Loglines aren’t easy!
Hope this helps.
See lessA retired rock star visits an imprisoned ex band-mate for the first time in 10 years, to reveal a life-changing secret. The two?of?them recall their bands early days as teenagers, its successes/problems as a satanic themed heavy metal group and its eventual downfall.
I feel like this is a story about two retired rock stars getting nostalgic over their past successes. I'm struggling to see how this is a thriller. Check out the "Our formula" tab to help with formatting. At 45 words, this is pretty lengthy and I'm not sure I really understand what the story is abouRead more
I feel like this is a story about two retired rock stars getting nostalgic over their past successes. I’m struggling to see how this is a thriller.
Check out the “Our formula” tab to help with formatting. At 45 words, this is pretty lengthy and I’m not sure I really understand what the story is about. You mention a life-changing secret but then we don’t hear what happens when this is revealed.
Why does this retired rock star have to tell this secret? Which one of these two is the protagonist?
I like the idea of two retired heavy metal rock stars looking back and we get their life stories leading to that point BUT there has to be a purpose to it. What’s the goal for the protagonist? What is he trying to achieve? What does he lose if he fails?
I feel like currently we have a synopsis for the first part of act 2 and that’s about it. I want to know what led him there and why and what happens next
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen Fiona discovers she is half-angel, haf-demon, she is got up in the war between angels and demons over the human race and must choose a path to follow that will destroy or save the human race
Check out the formula tab to help with formatting. Check spelling and grammar too. We don't need names in a logline. It adds nothing but an unnecessary word. We don't learn anything about a character from their name so it's far more important to give us a word that tells us something interesting. MaRead more
Check out the formula tab to help with formatting. Check spelling and grammar too.
We don’t need names in a logline. It adds nothing but an unnecessary word. We don’t learn anything about a character from their name so it’s far more important to give us a word that tells us something interesting.
Making a decision (save or destroy the human race) is not a good goal. Imagine watching someone decide something. All the action is happening inside their head and it could take 10 seconds or it could take a year. You need to give her a visual goal because film is a visual medium.
If she’s half-angel/half-demon, what’s at stake for her if the human race is destroyed? Has she been brought up as a human? Why her? Why is she the only one who can make this decision?
I feel like we need more specifics to really understand the story here and it would benefit from following the formula recommended on this site.
See less