1. Posted: March 4, 2019In:

    After he discovers who killed his mother while in rehab, the son of a Mafia Don must keep his brothers from discovering his forbidden relationship with a cop as they hatch a revenge plot against the rival gangsters who killed their mother.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Scrap the whole subplot about the forbidden relationship (in the logline). It's superfluous to the primary story. The fact that he's in rehab is pretty irrelevant too. I'd also argue that the fact that he's the son of a mafia don is possibly not as important as learning more about who this guy reallRead more

    Scrap the whole subplot about the forbidden relationship (in the logline). It’s superfluous to the primary story. The fact that he’s in rehab is pretty irrelevant too. I’d also argue that the fact that he’s the son of a mafia don is possibly not as important as learning more about who this guy really is. I get that’s where the rehab bit comes in but there’s nothing in here that tells me how this impacts the rest of the story.

    What this boils down to is a very simple revenge film – not dissimilar to The Godfather in a lot of ways. This isn’t a bad thing but I can’t help but think this story needs more originality. Something we haven’t seen. Rival gangsters at war and lovers on different sides of the tracks… it’s very familiar.

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  2. Posted: March 4, 2019In:

    Revision 2: After a miraculous survival of a meteor shower, an elite leader must get his team to the engine room of a high speed moving train, loaded with flesh eating demons, before it crashes.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    As in Richiev's example, you can scrap the meteor shower. It doesn't seem to have any bearing on the story. Also noted in Richiev's version is a purpose for stopping the train "so they and the survivors can escape". There are stakes and this makes the story compelling. I think in yours (at the momenRead more

    As in Richiev’s example, you can scrap the meteor shower. It doesn’t seem to have any bearing on the story. Also noted in Richiev’s version is a purpose for stopping the train “so they and the survivors can escape”. There are stakes and this makes the story compelling. I think in yours (at the moment) I’m not sure I care about whether they win or lose. I need to want them to win!

    This elite leader… can you give us more information about him? What’s his journey?

    Is this team conveniently on the train at the start? Or do they come along to kill the demons?

    Fwiw – I really like the idea of setting an action/horror film on a train. Low production value too.

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  3. Posted: March 4, 2019In:

    When humans war with each other in the Matrix, Neo emerges to help the Agents maintain his peace deal until a newer anomaly arises in the form of a man who is being influenced by fragments of Smith’s code. (The Matrix 4 Concept)

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    There appears to be two inciting incidents here, the start of the war between the humans and the arrival of this new anomaly.Who is the protagonist? What's their goal?This seems to be just a set up. What happens next?

    There appears to be two inciting incidents here, the start of the war between the humans and the arrival of this new anomaly.

    Who is the protagonist? What’s their goal?

    This seems to be just a set up. What happens next?

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