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On a drunken dare, two disgruntled NASA interns plot to secretly deliver a sample of super-bacteria to Mars, transforming the face of the Red Planet forever. Title: Green Planet
The End. It's an interesting premise but at the moment it's not really a story. What happens next? According to the logline, the interns only plot to send the sample... they don't actually do it. Assuming the sample is sent to Mars, surely it's gonna take a while for it to get there. What happens whRead more
The End.
It’s an interesting premise but at the moment it’s not really a story. What happens next? According to the logline, the interns only plot to send the sample… they don’t actually do it.
Assuming the sample is sent to Mars, surely it’s gonna take a while for it to get there. What happens while this is going on? Are astronauts taking the sample to Mars or is it an unmanned probe?
What’s the goal of the protagonists? At the moment, I’m not really seeing anything further than Act I.
There’s definitely something to this so stick with it but maybe think more about the consequences, stakes, and goals that could come into play here.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen an emotionally volatile tachycardic gets enhanced primal senses from his condition, he must learn to hone his senses to stop a rich influential man from taking his abilities and taking over the city. (revised edition round 1)
Primal senses... what are the primal senses? I don't really understand this part of the logline and it's crucial to understand the story. Even googling it I get very little so perhaps be more specific. If he has superpowers surely it's pretty easy to stop a guy who is simply rich and influential? OrRead more
Primal senses… what are the primal senses? I don’t really understand this part of the logline and it’s crucial to understand the story. Even googling it I get very little so perhaps be more specific.
If he has superpowers surely it’s pretty easy to stop a guy who is simply rich and influential? Or is he like Batman? Or Iron Man? Just the villainous version. How is this rich guy going to even take the abilities when they’re tied to his condition in the first place? Doesn’t sound like something that can transfer between people.
Why does the rich man want to take over the city? What does he stand to gain? A good exercise to stop the villain being a little 1 dimensional is to write a logline from their perspective too – it helps to flesh out their objective and how they will be going about it.
See lessAfter a moving train is hit by a strange meteor, an elite unit must survive the flesh eating demons that stand between them and the Engine Car, where they must stop the train from crashing. (revised edition round 1)
How does a moving train survive being hit by a meteor?Meteors come from space... where do demons come into play? I was expecting aliens.Surely once the train is stopped they still have a huge issue in that there are flesh eating demons...I think you need a central protagonist too - the leader of theRead more
How does a moving train survive being hit by a meteor?
Meteors come from space… where do demons come into play? I was expecting aliens.
Surely once the train is stopped they still have a huge issue in that there are flesh eating demons…
I think you need a central protagonist too – the leader of the elite unit perhaps??
See less