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After her father abandoned her, a cyborg hunter must search her identity of her father and grandfather before it’s too late.
That's another of my pet peeves - "before it's too late". You can't say this without actually telling us the consequences. In your new version, we have no idea why it's important to find the identity of her father and grandfather or any concept of what happens if she doesn't. The fact she's a cyborgRead more
That’s another of my pet peeves – “before it’s too late”. You can’t say this without actually telling us the consequences. In your new version, we have no idea why it’s important to find the identity of her father and grandfather or any concept of what happens if she doesn’t.
The fact she’s a cyborg hunter is now rendered somewhat redundant as this now just seems like a family drama. We have to understand why her being a cyborg hunter is relevant to the plot. If it’s important enough to include in the logline, it MUST be apparent why it’s important to the plot.
I’m guessing her father abandoned her when she was a baby, otherwise she’d have some recollections of him? Possibly worth clarifying to avoid any confusion. Ambiguity is where loglines go to die!
Hope this helps.
See lessA plus size woman competes with her sexy, gold-digger friend for the man of her dreams.
Can't plus size women be sexy too? I feel like the wording of this logline suggests that the plus size woman is at a disadvantage because of her physique. This is problematic in the post #MeToo era. Surely, the decision is out of her hands? It's down to the guy. You can't force someone to fall in loRead more
Can’t plus size women be sexy too? I feel like the wording of this logline suggests that the plus size woman is at a disadvantage because of her physique. This is problematic in the post #MeToo era.
Surely, the decision is out of her hands? It’s down to the guy. You can’t force someone to fall in love with you, so whether he’s the man of her dreams or not is somewhat irrelevant. Doesn’t sound like her “friend” is much of a friend either.
Logline-wise, it has most of the required elements but it needs some visual specificity. What, specifically, is she doing to compete for this guy? If this is a feature, you’ve got 90+ mins to fill, so the reader needs to understand what’s going to be happening on screen.
Hope this helps in some way.
See lessAfter her father abandoned her, a cyborg hunter must search her identity of her father and grandfather before it’s too late.
The end. One of my pet peeves in loglines is referring to the protagonist as "young man" or "young woman". This is your protagonist. They deserve better! It also bugs me when people don't proof read. I'm guessing this should be "follow in the footsteps". Ok... so he's become a cyborg hunter. Now whaRead more
The end.
One of my pet peeves in loglines is referring to the protagonist as “young man” or “young woman”. This is your protagonist. They deserve better!
It also bugs me when people don’t proof read. I’m guessing this should be “follow in the footsteps”.
Ok… so he’s become a cyborg hunter. Now what? Why did he make this decision. In other words, we need an inciting incident and a goal. Two things which are fundamental in a logline because everything within the story exists within these two tent poles.
Give it another go and try and tell us who, specifically, is your protagonist, what he’s trying to achieve and why.
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