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Johnny Bando, a Japanese Elvis impersonator, collides with Randy North, a small town sheriff tasked with modernizing his office and his band of tripper happy deputies.
We don't need names in a logline. Given that words are such a valuable commodity in logline terms, spending 4 on unnecessary information is simply a wasted opportunity. Imagine you only had 3 words to describe yourself. Would you tell me your name? Who's the protagonist? The Elvis impersonator or thRead more
We don’t need names in a logline. Given that words are such a valuable commodity in logline terms, spending 4 on unnecessary information is simply a wasted opportunity. Imagine you only had 3 words to describe yourself. Would you tell me your name?
Who’s the protagonist? The Elvis impersonator or the sheriff? What has the fact he’s an Elvis impersonator got to do with the plot? What do they collide over? you’ve used quite a lot of words to tell us the sheriff is modernising his office but I have no idea why. Is it meant to be “trigger” happy?
Check out the formula page to help with formatting. A logline should be a concise summary of the plot up to the midpoint or beginning of the final act. Currently, I’m not sure what the plot currently is but I’m not sure it takes us out of Act I.
Telling us the Elvis impersonator is Japanese is interesting but we have no idea of the world in which the story is set. If it’s set in Japan… not as interesting. If you’re going to the length of including it in your logline, the reader must assume it’s relevant in some way to the plot. Setup and pay off. Is it a fish out of water story? In that case, be more specific – it’s a small town in the USA. If the fact he’s Japanese is actually irrelevant, then take it out altogether and tell us something that is relevant.
See lessIn a plane hijack, a girl must sabotage her group’s terrorist attack, before she becomes one of them. Diamond in the rough
I drew the same conclusion as Richiev.
I drew the same conclusion as Richiev.
See lessAfter a empath singer offers to be a surrogate to her long time best friend, who struggles to conceive. She must overcome her guilt when she is told she could not conceive a child of her own due to her actions, and find the ability to accept her boyfriend’s desire to marry her, or lose him forever.
At 57 words this is too long. You've got two story strands here. Which forms the core of the plot? The issues with surrogacy and conception? Or the boyfriend stuff? "Overcome her guilt" - this is more of an internal goal. What's the objective goal? Think visually. What does someone overcoming theirRead more
At 57 words this is too long.
You’ve got two story strands here. Which forms the core of the plot? The issues with surrogacy and conception? Or the boyfriend stuff?
“Overcome her guilt” – this is more of an internal goal. What’s the objective goal? Think visually. What does someone overcoming their guilt look like on screen?
Why is she a singer? What bearing does that have on the story? Nothing is accidental in a screenplay. Consider The Matrix. Neo was a computer programmer for a big company by day, and a hack by night. Corporate slave to the machines by day… rising up against the establishment by night… not a coincidence that he’s the One. If you give a character a profession, it must hold some bearing on the story. She could still be a singer, BUT for the purposes of a logline, if it doesn’t make any difference what her job is, maybe choose another description.
Scrapping the boyfriend bit as it feels like the B-story, I think this is kinda just one long inciting incident:
After offering to be a surrogate for her best friend only to discover her misspent youth has left her unable to conceive,?
Then tell us what she MUST do about it.
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