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After the tragic death of her husband, a single mother must fight to protect her disabled son and a sacred family emblem from a mysterious woman who wants to kill her.
Why does the single mother have to protect her disabled son if the mysterious woman wants to kill her? Surely she needs to be protecting herself? Why does the mysterious woman want to kill her in the first place? The death of her husband is not the inciting incident here (as it currently stands). ThRead more
Why does the single mother have to protect her disabled son if the mysterious woman wants to kill her? Surely she needs to be protecting herself?
Why does the mysterious woman want to kill her in the first place?
The death of her husband is not the inciting incident here (as it currently stands). That’s merely part of the world in which the plot takes place. There’s no connection between the death of her husband and the mysterious woman. The inciting incident must relate to the goal.
We NEED to understand what this sacred emblem is all about. The story is identical without it, so why include it? If it’s important, tell us why.
All of the elements in a logline (and the story) must tie together in some way and currently, I don’t feel like this does. That’s not to say it doesn’t in your head, but based on this logline alone, I’m a little confused what the connection is. I feel like you’re burying the hook perhaps…
I’m sure there’s a good story in here so keep going.
See lessIn a future behind a glass dome, an optimistic factory girl discovers a strange seed and journeys across an inhospitable landscape to find a mythic Rover God who could bring the earth back to its former glory.
If you say "in a future behind a glass dome", the immediate assumption is that this story takes place in our world. To suddenly introduce a River (I'm guessing River rather than Rover) God felt very unnatural. It was only then I looked at the genre, expecting to see SciFi, and saw Fantasy. Does sheRead more
If you say “in a future behind a glass dome”, the immediate assumption is that this story takes place in our world. To suddenly introduce a River (I’m guessing River rather than Rover) God felt very unnatural. It was only then I looked at the genre, expecting to see SciFi, and saw Fantasy.
Does she have to venture out of the dome to get to the River God? Or is this inside the dome still?
The protagonist should be the one who brings the earth back its former glory. It seems that, at the moment, our hero does all the hard work only to hand act 3 to a new character to finish off. I need more info to understand what this seed and the river god have to do with restoring the world. As it currently stands, it’s not even made clear that the world is in a bad state, only that mankind (I assume it’s mankind) lives in a dome.
What happens if she doesn’t do this quest? I’m seeing similarities between this story and Moana – both stories have a girl taking a small object to a god. In Moana, she MUST take the heart of Te Fiti back in order to stop the spread of the darkness which is damaging the natural world which they rely on to survive. So why MUST your girl go on this quest? In Moana, she was chosen by the ocean to carry out this quest. Why MUST she be the person to do this?
You’ve called her “optimistic”. What’s her arc? Where does she go from here? Is it better that she’s pessimistic about her future and changes her mind over the course of the film?
I love a good fantasy adventure quest film and fantasy loglines are really hard so here’s what I would do:
Hope this helps in some way and I look forward to seeing the next version.
See lessIntroverted twins move to a new town where they endure (racially motivated) harassment; one finally decided to fight back.
This is kind of a cross between a logline and a tagline.Why twins? Why not just one person? If it has to be twins, why is just one fighting back? Why not both?"one finally decided to fight back"... how do they fight back? What do they do? A logline should give the reader a clear idea in their head wRead more
This is kind of a cross between a logline and a tagline.
Why twins? Why not just one person? If it has to be twins, why is just one fighting back? Why not both?
“one finally decided to fight back”… how do they fight back? What do they do? A logline should give the reader a clear idea in their head what is happening. Since you put this in the Horror genre, I’m guessing it’s something grisly, but what? Does she hunt the racists down? Does she summon the dead with voodoo? Give us some specifics. Same with the harassment actually. What do they endure? Does someone shout names? Or do they get beaten up? Are they black and they’ve moved to a former confederate state? More specifics would make a big difference in understanding this story.
Don’t put things in brackets. It makes it seem like a secondary thing whereas actually, the fact it’s a film about racism is fundamental to understanding the whole concept.
Films like ‘Get Out’ have shown there is definitely a market for a racially motivated horror film so I’m intrigued to see where this goes.?
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