Whilst alliteration can be a useful tool in creating a logline, I personally find this too much of a mouthful. I had to read it a few times to get my head around it and that’s a big no-no. If someone can’t understand the plot after 1 (or 2 if you’re lucky) reads then it’s probably not going to go any further.

For what it’s worth though, I think there’s a really interesting idea at the heart of this. The biggest issue is this idea, because it involves SciFi (SciFi Crime Thriller – I struggle to see this as a Drama) elements, needs a simpler logline. I had to look up the definition of bellicose (it’s a great word) and that’s another no-no. I think there are other words you could have used.

Ok so now, down to the plot.

So… the mafia boss refuses to choose a successor. Why? I always thought family was a huge part of mafia life. They’re a crime family. So why would he not choose one of his 3 kids.

“Expose the memories he erased” – whose memories were erased? If the memories are erased, how will they be exposed? Where’s the proof?

Why are the mafia going to erase their memories?? This is the bit I really don’t get. Why would the mafia, run by their father, want to erase their memories? Oh wait… so he doesn’t name one of them and in retaliation they try and take down the whole organisation? Is that right? If that is correct, if the goal (before these events) for the siblings was to inherit the family business, I struggle to see how they would go from that to wanting to take down the whole organisation. They’d end up with nothing left at the end, no family, no job, potentially in prison or witness protection? What do they gain from taking down the mafia? If the answer is nothing, then the audience will walk away feeling nothing.

I think this story would benefit from choosing one of the three siblings as the protagonist. When you have three characters, all with identical objectives, how is the audience supposed to know who to root for unless the whole story revolves around one (preferably the underdog). Personally, I think it would be cool if it was a younger sister vs her two older brothers. They underestimate her at every turn, and all the way through she’s seen to be losing, but at the end you discover this was her plan all long. That would be fun!

The tricky bit in the logline is the whole memory-erasing bit. It’s part of The World of the story so it needs enough explanation to make the logline make sense but not so much to eat into the limited word count.

I love the idea of the three siblings competing to claim the throne. Is there a reason why this can’t be the father’s idea? ?To watch his children prove they have what it takes to be next in line. He gives them each a task – something that plays against each of their flaws. So the gung-ho shoot first kid has to do something that requires meticulous planning kinda thing. But the one we follow, in the end, not only does her own challenge, but also the other two at the same time under the noses of her siblings.

I think that’s strong enough without all the memory-erasing bit – but I totally understand it might not be the story you want to tell.

Hope this helps.