So the priest must exorcise the spirits from his daughter before she, in her possessed state, kills her own mother? Is that right?

What did the nurse/mother/wife do to these children? If it’s something truly despicable then surely we want her to be punished?

Can devout people be possessed? I am not familiar with exorcisms (thankfully) but my cinematic knowledge tells me that evil spirits couldn’t inhabit someone deeply religious. I could be wrong though, so apologies if I am.

At 45 words, it’s a little long and I think could easily be trimmed. It’s a little difficult to follow too. If it doesn’t make sense on the first read through (second if you’re lucky) there’s a strong chance it will go no further.

Why 2 children? Why not just 1? To steal a line from The Exorcist… “There is only one”. Surely only one can talk at any one time or control her? I do like the idea of two distinct personalities though… visually I’m thinking Smeagol and Gollum type scenes. We need to understand why there must be two.

What has the priest been accused and suspended for?

I would try to trim it to under 35 words and make it easier to follow. Consider things visually too… “must pull himself together” – how does this look on screen? It could be done in several seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, etc. Give him a specific thing to do that shows the audience that he’s pulled himself together. Also, I think if he’s not currently ready to exorcise his daughter because of whatever his personal issue is, keeping in mind that his daughter’s and wife’s lives are on the line, why would he not just get someone else to do it? Why MUST it be him? Easy answer, the spirits lock the house down. He has no choice.

Hope this helps in some way.

First things first, we don’t need names in a logline. Instead, give us some information about her character. This is usually in the form of a defining characteristic and a noun (like her profession, age, etc).

I’d also check out the formula page to help with formatting. Usually, you start with the inciting incident, then introduce the character and tell us her goal.

In your story, the inciting incident is probably the moment she finds out she is pregnant.. although I want to clarify something. Does she believe she’s pregnant and her boyfriend and doctor don’t believe her? My understanding was that a cryptic pregnancy was one in which the pregnant woman doesn’t even know she’s pregnant until she actually gives birth. So she can’t believe she’s having a cryptic pregnancy… cos then she’s not having a cryptic pregnancy. You could use “false pregnancy” or “phantom pregnancy” – in these situations the woman displays signs of being pregnant but isn’t.

My guess is that she’s actually pregnant but she’s told it’s a false pregnancy by her doctor and boyfriend (suggesting they’re in on the whole thing). My issue with this is if she believes she is actually pregnant you’re suggesting that simply by being told that she’s not will be enough for her to believe it. Surely she knows her own body better? Feels the baby kicking? Gets big enough to just know that she’s pregnant? At the very least, seeks a second opinion? This is the first hurdle… making this bit plausible.

The next bit is, once she’s had the baby, it’ll be fairly obvious she’s had a baby. Any doctor she went to would be able to confirm this. Again, she KNOWS she gave birth so where’s the self doubt? you don’t forget something like that! Other people might try and convince her otherwise but she KNOWS. That knowledge is going to be the thing that pushes her through the story to find the truth.

I think the first thing to do is work on these implausibilities. There could be an interesting story in here but it needs to be believable. Often, once you get the story right, the logline falls into place.

Have you ever seen Rosemary’s Baby? If not, I recommend it. It’s a similar(ish) idea and an exceptional film!