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When a man?s romantic attentions are ignored by a woman for many years he lures her into a secret meeting with a messenger who proposes an idyllic rendezvous.
So what's the story? This sounds like two or three scenes out of a more complete narrative. Also, who's the protagonist? The creepy stalker who sends someone else to the woman he likes so he can trick her into meeting him? Not exactly sympathetic there.
So what’s the story? This sounds like two or three scenes out of a more complete narrative. Also, who’s the protagonist? The creepy stalker who sends someone else to the woman he likes so he can trick her into meeting him? Not exactly sympathetic there.
See less4 When a man leaves his cruiser with his best friend who then flees in it, he must convince the Water Police that there is no crime but they should save his friend in the sinking cruiser.
Better -- you're getting across the ideas that make up the story. But it's still unclear why this is happening and how some of it relates to other aspects. Part of the issue is the complicated phrasing -- see my thoughts here about not starting a logline with "When" - https://loglines.org/the-case-fRead more
Better — you’re getting across the ideas that make up the story. But it’s still unclear why this is happening and how some of it relates to other aspects.
Part of the issue is the complicated phrasing — see my thoughts here about not starting a logline with “When” – https://loglines.org/the-case-for-an-updated-formula/
You’ve given us the four things needed in a logline — protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes — but they’re jumbled and unclear. A good rephrasing can fix all that.
See lessWhen the wife of a busy young lawyer threatens the lives of their children he is forced to assume sole custody and raise them in the shadow of interference from his former friends.
Still not getting an idea of the whole story here...a logline should summarize the first half of a script, everything up to the midpoint. This sounds like five minutes out of the entire plot, and it isn't clear why these things are happening.
Still not getting an idea of the whole story here…a logline should summarize the first half of a script, everything up to the midpoint. This sounds like five minutes out of the entire plot, and it isn’t clear why these things are happening.
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