A lot of things aren’t being made clear. Why did the dark spirit kidnap her sister? The stakes are obvious in the sense that she needs her sister back, but other than the risk of NOT getting her back, what are the stakes? What happens to the sister if she isn’t saved?

Also, no connection between the dream catcher and saving the baby. Why is that her best option? This has already been mentioned as an issue but isn’t being addressed in the revisions. You might not need to mention it in the logline at all, as its relevance will be difficult to establish while trying to get across the basic storyline in a single sentence. The goal is to save her sister; HOW she saves her is something to be specified in a synopsis.

“Set out on a journey” is superfluous as it adds nothing, and isn’t the imperative portion of the protagonist’s actions. Finding the dream catcher is, apparently, what’s important; what she has to do to find it is not…unless you’re more specific with what this journey entails. If she has to search a haunted forest or something, that indicates danger and drama, but a mere journey in and of itself is very bland and vague. However this also may be something not worth mentioning in a logline, as saving the sister is the important part; what road she takes to get to that point is a detail best left to a longer summary.

As I’ve said repeatedly elsewhere, starting a logline with When weakens the immediacy of the protagonist’s conflict as well as the logline overall, by not first specifying the character with whom we as readers are meant to identify. Start with the girl, so we know whose story this is, then tell us what she’s up against.

It could also use an adjective describing her. While “Chippewa” does give some sense of her culture and/or family, it doesn’t tell us much about her personally and individually…and just calling her a girl doesn’t provide a clear indication of her age, either…she could be eight or eighteen, which would make a huge difference in the degree of difficulty going out on her own will involve. If there’s some irony in the premise that can be made clear in the logline, that’s a good hook to make someone want to read more — why will this journey be difficult for her? What is her internal struggle that makes the external struggle even more of a challenge?

Perhaps try something more like this:

“A timid Chippewa teenager must save her kidnapped baby sister from a dark spirit intent on stealing the infant’s soul and taking control of their tribe.”

That actually feels a bit wordy and awkward, but it has the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, and stakes all presented in a clear and understandable manner. You don’t have to tell everybody everything in a logline, you just have to make it clear what the story is about, and make it sound compelling without being confusing. If somebody has to ask a question just to understand the story, the logline has failed — but if they want to ask more about the story because they’re interested, the logline has succeeded.

Someone reading this might want to know why the older sister is the one who has to save the baby, and not the mom or dad, but they’ll want to read the script to find out. They’re not questioning the validity of the story as presented, they’re curious about the circumstances which created the story presented…that’s what you want your logline to do.

And proofread carefully for spelling!

People trying to do something is uninteresting…when people need to do something, that’s compelling. It’s why many loglines include the word “must” — because the actions of the character are imperative.

Gotta tell us what the next chapter is, otherwise it’s a blank page.

Testing a character’s resiliency is a given, don’t need to state it. His eagerness is also irrelevant, and presumed; if he wasn’t eager for something he wouldn’t be doing anything.

Anyone who doesn’t know what Murphy’s Law is won’t understand the conflict. Be specific. And “pretty much” every turn doesn’t sound very challenging; it’s all or nothing. Be simple and clear and to the point.

You want the tone to come across as well. If this is a drama, make sure we understand the struggle. If it’s a comedy of errors, make the struggle sound silly and fun.