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A widower, coping with the suicide of her wife, must battle against a corrupt corporate superpower and control to her growing supernatural abilities to save her daughter who they claim does not exist.
The poor grammar makes it unclear what the plot is or even why a conflict exists. What does the suicide have to do with the corporation, or the corporation with the daughter, or the supernatural abilities with any of it, or any of it with any of it? Trim it down to the essentials and form a proper sRead more
The poor grammar makes it unclear what the plot is or even why a conflict exists. What does the suicide have to do with the corporation, or the corporation with the daughter, or the supernatural abilities with any of it, or any of it with any of it?
Trim it down to the essentials and form a proper sentence. Keep it simple and clear. Then we can understand what it’s actually about.
See lessA young woman plagued with visions of her twin sister by committing and witness murders only to figure out that they are deadly consequences.
Um...what? This is complete nonsense. The grammar is so terrible I don't have any idea what the story is. Even if I did I would never read the script, because when the writing is so poor in just this one single sentence, how will an entire screenplay look? Take the time to think about what you're trRead more
Um…what?
This is complete nonsense. The grammar is so terrible I don’t have any idea what the story is. Even if I did I would never read the script, because when the writing is so poor in just this one single sentence, how will an entire screenplay look?
Take the time to think about what you’re trying to convey with the words, and remember that you’re writing a sentence for people who don’t know anything about the story…so you have to make it clear what the script is about.
Give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, & stakes, then proofread for clarity and proper grammar.
See lessA teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.
You're still being vague about what happens, forcing questions regarding what the story's actually about instead of generating interest in reading more of the story. What does it actually mean to keep her life on the level? What does dad actually do to drive a wedge? See how these phrases don't realRead more
You’re still being vague about what happens, forcing questions regarding what the story’s actually about instead of generating interest in reading more of the story. What does it actually mean to keep her life on the level? What does dad actually do to drive a wedge? See how these phrases don’t really tell us anything about the story?
There’s also no point to him being a con artist if that information doesn’t factor into the story somehow, and given only these details, it doesn’t. If it matters, make it clear why, and if it doesn’t, don’t mention it. And someone TRYING to do something is also very uninteresting; I have to quote Yoda here: “Do or do not…there is no try.”
Also it’s still too many words. Keep it closer to 25.
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