1. Posted: September 17, 2018In:

    As a gang-ravaged inner-city estate is torn apart by a feral beast that feeds on hate and violence, one man trying to renounce his brutal past, must make his way through the bone shattering carnage to find his daughter.

    Best Answer
    mrliteral Samurai

    The phrasing here is very off-putting, as is the unnecessary punctuation and excessive use of adjectives. Try arranging it more like: The protagonist engages in this conflict with the antagonist because of these stakes. It looks like you have all those details, they just need to flow better to be moRead more

    The phrasing here is very off-putting, as is the unnecessary punctuation and excessive use of adjectives. Try arranging it more like:

    The protagonist engages in this conflict with the antagonist because of these stakes.

    It looks like you have all those details, they just need to flow better to be more compelling.

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  2. Posted: September 21, 2018In:

    In her journey for truth, Billie Malone rebuffs the family trait of entitlement and privilege by getting a job at the very same media company that sees the family name above the door: entitled she is not.

    mrliteral Samurai

    Not only is it unclear what the story is - because you haven't told us much about what actually happens - it's unclear what this logline is even supposed to mean. If she isn't entitled, why is she working at her family's company? Wouldn't she work her way up somewhere else, without trading on her naRead more

    Not only is it unclear what the story is – because you haven’t told us much about what actually happens – it’s unclear what this logline is even supposed to mean. If she isn’t entitled, why is she working at her family’s company? Wouldn’t she work her way up somewhere else, without trading on her name?

    Give us the basics: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. If you’re not sure what those are, your script may not be fully developed.

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  3. Posted: September 20, 2018In:

    An incessant granny is kidnapped by two dim-witted crooks and used to hold her wealthy son to ransom. When her son refuses to pay she must forge her own escape and find the reason why.

    mrliteral Samurai

    An incessant granny? So she never stops being a grandmother? I honestly have no idea what word you meant to use here, and this is just one question raised by the unclear phrasing exhibited. You also have two complete sentences, one of which starts with "When," and both of those things make for weakRead more

    An incessant granny? So she never stops being a grandmother?

    I honestly have no idea what word you meant to use here, and this is just one question raised by the unclear phrasing exhibited. You also have two complete sentences, one of which starts with “When,” and both of those things make for weak loglines. I think what you’re going for is more like this:

    A resourceful granny must escape her dim-witted kidnappers when her wealthy son refuses to pay the ransom.

    I admit the combination of defining a protagonist as resourceful and antagonists as dim-witted does make it seem like escape should be easy and therefore the stakes aren’t very high, but if you play around with the adjectives (and thus the character types) you can certainly create a stronger opposition.

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