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A brutal ex-sheriff returns to the small town where she bullied others as a child to investigate a string of seemingly random suicides.
Never start a logline with "When" - I don't know why so many people try this; it isn't compelling and slows everything down, as do all the commas. Try phrasing it as a single straightforward un-paused sentence providing the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, & stakes. And if specifying all fourRead more
Never start a logline with “When” – I don’t know why so many people try this; it isn’t compelling and slows everything down, as do all the commas. Try phrasing it as a single straightforward un-paused sentence providing the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, & stakes. And if specifying all four of those things interrupts the flow, find a way to at least imply them.
Going by the other comments here it seems as though you’ve edited the logline since first posting, as there’s nothing in it now to identify the main character’s gender, which is often useful to do (though not strictly necessary) as it helps define the character in a very general way. Plus there are other quoted phrases not present. Also I’d be careful taking advice or feedback from anyone using superfluous apostrophes. Anyway here’s one possible example:
A retired sheriff returns to the small town where she bullied others as a child to investigate a string of seemingly random suicides.
The point is, it should flow, it should sum up the basic story elements in a quick burst of information…not be a drawn-out, casual stippling of dropped details for a reader to pick up.
See lessWhen a struggling repo agent gets arrested, she is rescued and recruited by a mysterious business woman that specializes in acquiring and selling exotic, hard to find, mythical items to the highest bidder.
Never start a logline with "When something happens, this person does this." Tell us about the protagonist. People care about people, not about the thing that happens to them. And be specific. There are a lot of vague notions and descriptions here; we need to know the basics of the story: protagonistRead more
Never start a logline with “When something happens, this person does this.” Tell us about the protagonist. People care about people, not about the thing that happens to them.
And be specific. There are a lot of vague notions and descriptions here; we need to know the basics of the story: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. You want people to read a logline and be interested in reading the whole story, not forced to ask questions just to understand what the story is about. So don’t tell us she gets arrested but not why, because we’ll just ask why. The single adjective “struggling” tells us all we need to know about her at this point.
Also this whole thing makes your hero sound passive, in that events are occurring to her instead of her taking action in some way. Plus businesswoman is one word and don’t use “that” when referring to a person; use “who”.
I think in this case simpler may be better: A struggling repo agent is recruited by a mysterious businesswoman to collect mystical artifacts. That implies some danger and conflict, but it might be better to provide more detail with specifics about a particular goal or object, or about any direct antagonist there may be: A struggling repo agent is hired by a mysterious businesswoman to reclaim a gemstone with mystical powers from the clutches of an evil cult. Or whatever the story actually is.
That example is actually a bit sloppy, but you get the idea: hit us with the basics, make it compelling, make us want to know and read more.
See lessWhen a botched scientific experiment enables her to read minds, a reserved psychology student realises the intrusive burden of her ability and must discover how to reverse her gift to restore her normal life.
This highlights precisely why it's never a good idea to start a logline with "When" - you're placing the pronoun "her" prior to its antecedent, the student...so start with the student. Always start with the protagonist, then cover the antagonist & conflict in whatever order works better, and finRead more
This highlights precisely why it’s never a good idea to start a logline with “When” – you’re placing the pronoun “her” prior to its antecedent, the student…so start with the student. Always start with the protagonist, then cover the antagonist & conflict in whatever order works better, and finish it off with the stakes. Maybe this isn’t quite your story, but:
A reserved psychology student acquires the ability to read minds but must reverse the effect when it stops being fun and threatens her very sanity.
Twenty-five words, no punctation, sums up the main points of interest in your story. You may have an actual person of an antagonist in the script (and probably should), but at this stage the stakes are clear and serious enough you don’t need to mention any government, or military, or a professor who figures out her secret and wants it for himself, or whatever actually happens in the story. The point is, with this short sentence you’ve identified a sympathetic main character (reserved student), stated the premise (ability to read minds), indicated the second act storyline (it stops being fun), and summed up both conflict & stakes (threatened sanity). That should be enough to get anyone interested to read more and see how it all plays out.
And if this isn’t quite how your story works, change the sentence to show your actual plot points, but keep it short and simple. Additional details are for the script; a logline is nothing but one big broad stroke. But don’t be vague, because vague isn’t compelling. “Restore her normal life” is vague, and we don’t know yet what her life is like before or after, because that’s too detailed for a logline, but possibly losing her sanity…well, that’s something anyone can understand.
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