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When his mother sacrifices herself for his escape, a young boy must find magical body armour in order to defeat the vengeful spirits pursuing him.
Never start with "When," start with the protagonist. The conflict and the stakes are rather vague as presented. Yes it's very wordy, with lots of commas, which slow everything down, instead of being compelling, and there's no flow. A young boy must find his slain father's enchanted armour to preservRead more
Never start with “When,” start with the protagonist. The conflict and the stakes are rather vague as presented. Yes it’s very wordy, with lots of commas, which slow everything down, instead of being compelling, and there’s no flow. A young boy must find his slain father’s enchanted armour to preserve his humanity from a supreme being determined to rid him of it. Doesn’t tell us everything but doesn’t need to, just has to be interesting enough to encourage further reading. Does make clear the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, and stakes, which is all you need. Leave the extra details for a synopsis.
See lessA guilt-ridden priest with a dark secret finds himself held hostage in a Catholic confessional by a sinister, unseen terrorist wearing a suicide vest strapped with explosives.
Simultaneously provides too much information and not enough. "Guilt-ridden priest" is enough to define your protagonist - don't tell us here he has a secret; reveal it in the story. Also if he's feeling that guilty, a dark secret is implied. No one "finds" themselves doing something. It's weak wordiRead more
Simultaneously provides too much information and not enough.
“Guilt-ridden priest” is enough to define your protagonist – don’t tell us here he has a secret; reveal it in the story. Also if he’s feeling that guilty, a dark secret is implied.
No one “finds” themselves doing something. It’s weak wording, makes your character passive. If he’s held hostage, just say he’s held hostage, then give us an idea what he’s going to do about it. That makes him active.
You already told us he’s a priest in a confessional; why specify Catholic? Isn’t that a given? If not, does it matter? Maybe in the story, but not here. Get rid of any extraneous words.
Being a terrorist already defines the antagonist as such; no need to describe such a person as sinister. He’s a bad guy, we get it. Also no need to tell us the guy’s unseen, because it brings up too many questions: if he’s unseen, how do we know he’s a terrorist or what he’s wearing? Surely the script itself can answer these, but no need to raise them here. Just tell us who, what, and why. Leave the intricate details for later.
More unnecessary words: suicide vest. “Strapped with explosives” pretty much tells us everything.
Cutting all this down leaves you with “A guilt-ridden priest is held hostage in a confessional by a terrorist strapped with explosives.” Succinct, but this is what I mean by not enough information. You’ve told us who and what, now we need to know why. You’ve given us the protagonist, antagonist, and the stakes, but what’s the conflict? Sure, one guy’s threatening to blow up the other guy, who probably doesn’t want this to happen, but what’s the real reason for all this? What’s caused the confrontation? Why this priest, why here, why now? Is it related to his guilt, his secret? Surely it must be, but you have to give us a taste to make the story compelling.
As an example, without knowing the actual story: “A guilt-ridden priest is held hostage in a confessional by a terrorist strapped with explosives who claims to be his long lost son.” You can’t just tell us who’s in the story and what it’s about; you have to tell us why it’s a story.
See lessWhen her alcoholic father breaks his leg and ends up at the hospital, the 11-year old girl must find someone to stay with or she?ll be placed in foster care.
Don't start with "When," start with the protagonist. Should be 'a' girl, not "the" girl. Placement in foster care in and of itself is not high enough stakes; given her father's state it sounds like an improvement. Also we don't need to know he's broken his leg AND ended up in the hospital, as the laRead more
Don’t start with “When,” start with the protagonist. Should be ‘a’ girl, not “the” girl. Placement in foster care in and of itself is not high enough stakes; given her father’s state it sounds like an improvement. Also we don’t need to know he’s broken his leg AND ended up in the hospital, as the latter is a given following the former and former is irrelevant when the point is that he’s unavailable to care for her…but again, given his alcoholism, it appears he wasn’t doing such a great job parenting before. And a broken leg might only keep him admitted a few days at most; does she not have friends to stay with for such a short time? I’m just not seeing the dramatic potential here; perhaps if he were forced into rehab and would be gone for a month or more, and she’s avoiding not mere foster care but a particular unwelcome relative, for whatever reason…
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