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A teen mom is almost old enough to leave home, but her gypsy family criminal ways will make her the victim instead.
Instead of what? Victim of what? Almost old enough is rather vague; why can't she leave now? How is "gypsy criminal" not racist? It sounds racist. And it isn't clear what the story is, or the conflict. Give us the basics, be specific, avoid commas.
Instead of what? Victim of what? Almost old enough is rather vague; why can’t she leave now? How is “gypsy criminal” not racist? It sounds racist. And it isn’t clear what the story is, or the conflict. Give us the basics, be specific, avoid commas.
See lessA once-shining high-school choir lead vocalist fights to use her talent to elevate herself to the heights of success after her father falls on hard times.
Who or what is she fighting? Sounds like someone or something is trying to stop her from using her talent and she's fighting in order to use it...but to what end? And how successful can one be singing high school choir? Is this competitive in some way? Is there a big prize? Doesn't seem like there wRead more
Who or what is she fighting? Sounds like someone or something is trying to stop her from using her talent and she’s fighting in order to use it…but to what end? And how successful can one be singing high school choir? Is this competitive in some way? Is there a big prize? Doesn’t seem like there would be, in high school, for a student, therefore not a professional…
There could be a compelling drama somewhere in the story but this logline doesn’t tell us anything about it. It’s too vague. We need to know who she is, what she wants, what’s in her way, what’s at stake if she fails or succeeds, and we need something specific or concrete.
See lessWhen six brutal water-related murders are uncovered on the same day, an aquaphobic detective must uncover the killer?s identity as the clues become increasingly more personal.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better. No vague notions or questionable phrases. "Water-related" is unclear. Drownings? Various locations? Stabbed in the rain? Don't makeRead more
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better. No vague notions or questionable phrases.
“Water-related” is unclear. Drownings? Various locations? Stabbed in the rain? Don’t make us ask questions to comprehend your story; make us want to read more of it because we’re interested. And the fact they’re “uncovered” on the same day also raises questions: did they occur on the same day? Are they only finding them now? Was it all part of some big reveal? Does the story take place all in one day? How can clues become increasingly personal if they’re all discovered at the same time? Doesn’t make sense. And a logline has to make perfect sense, with no extraneous detail muddying the waters…so to speak. Try simplifying everything:
An aquaphobic detective investigates a series of brutal seaside murders with increasingly more personal clues.
That covers everything. It defines the hero and implies the villain (murders mean a murderer), “seaside” clarifies conflict (aquaphobics fear water), and the stakes are always clear with a murder investigation (no more murders please). Plus the “increasingly personal” aspect indicates continually raised stakes, which is always good.
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