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  1. Posted: November 27, 2018In: Comedy

    When a mutated pubic lice epidemic turns people into sex-crazed zombies, a prudish neuroscientist teams up with a loud prostitute to find and spread the cure.

    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on January 2, 2019 at 2:28 am

    Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better. All these elements are present, they're simply not in a compelling order...plus the offensive sexist crap is also a problem. RephraRead more

    Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better.

    All these elements are present, they’re simply not in a compelling order…plus the offensive sexist crap is also a problem. Rephrase the elements after rethinking the characters (how does a neuroscientist cure an illness brought on by external parasite?) and it’ll be stronger.

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  2. Posted: November 18, 2018In: Horror

    A secret agent must work with his criminal and the train security to survive the ride when the train is hit by a meteor and people get possessed by the strange meteor.

    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on November 25, 2018 at 2:36 pm

    There's a lot to unwrap here...you're giving us too much information, and tossing it out like dollar bills at a cheap strip club. Rather than make the story sound compelling, this merely raises questions just to understand the thing: If he's a secret agent, what's he doing with a criminal? Is he undRead more

    There’s a lot to unwrap here…you’re giving us too much information, and tossing it out like dollar bills at a cheap strip club. Rather than make the story sound compelling, this merely raises questions just to understand the thing: If he’s a secret agent, what’s he doing with a criminal? Is he undercover? If so, who’s the criminal? A partner? An informant? If so, his status as agent ain’t much of a secret. How much security does a train have? Are they trained to handle events of this nature? If there’s some type of emergency, wouldn’t they just stop the train? Why don’t they stop the train? Why are any of these people on the train? How does a meteor possess these people? What does any of this have to do with our hero the not-so-secret agent and his apparently compliant criminal?

    Maybe make the agent something like a U.S. Marshall so he has a reason to be transporting a criminal, and instead of working together the bad guy takes advantage of the distraction to try and escape, so our hero not only has to recapture & contain the guy but contend with all this other crazy shit going on. You can even really stack the deck against him by eliminating and/or infecting security, so he’s the only one who can save the day. And instead of the train being hit by a meteorite (proper name once it impacts Earth) maybe the train passes by an impact site and passengers are affected by the radiation or something…that way the train can keep moving, and the infection now threatens all the upcoming destinations.

    As for the logline, stick with the basics: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes.? “A U.S. Marshall transporting a criminal by train must contend with violently possessed passengers when they ride through a mysterious meteorite’s impact zone.” Not very graceful, but one can always play around with the phrasing to make it flow better, and the important thing is that?the story & characters are clear. If they’re not clear in the logline, odds are they won’t be clear in the script.

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  3. Posted: November 18, 2018In: Thriller

    A hostile takeover of America causes a couple to stop bickering and start working together.

    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on November 25, 2018 at 1:55 pm

    Never start a logline with "When such-and-such happens, a person must..." It's weak. No one cares about events, we care about people. Introduce the people we should care about, what's happening to them, what they intend to do about it, and what's at stake if they fail. If your ending is that they faRead more

    Never start a logline with “When such-and-such happens, a person must…” It’s weak. No one cares about events, we care about people. Introduce the people we should care about, what’s happening to them, what they intend to do about it, and what’s at stake if they fail.

    If your ending is that they fail, don’t mention that part in the logline – that’s the part people need to read to discover. Nothing wrong with a downer ending, but the goal of a logline is to get people interested enough to read more, and you get people interested by presenting compelling characters with an opportunity to succeed or fail – and the initial interest lies in whether or not they will, or how they will.

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