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A young brother and sister, illegal immigrants, must find a way to escape from a heavily guarded, experimental farm in South Texas when their coworkers start disappearing.
Sloppy, and vague. Young; how young? Five, fifteen, twenty-five? They're all young, it's a relative term. What is an experimental farm? Why would a farm be heavily guarded; soybean rustlers? Does it matter it's in south Texas vs. north or west, or Texas at all? Why the need to leave just because cowRead more
Sloppy, and vague. Young; how young? Five, fifteen, twenty-five? They’re all young, it’s a relative term. What is an experimental farm? Why would a farm be heavily guarded; soybean rustlers? Does it matter it’s in south Texas vs. north or west, or Texas at all? Why the need to leave just because coworkers disappear? Ever have a job where someone just isn’t there one day? People quit, get fired, don’t show up; there’s nothing sinister about it. If there is, give us a clue.
You need to provide specifics regarding what this story is actually about, do it in a single sentence without halting in the middle to update it, and without being TOO specific when not necessary. A logline is just to make someone want to read more; it doesn’t matter at this point they’re brother and sister…just use siblings. We don’t need to know it’s Texas, or even the U.S.; only provide personal detail that helps define their conflict.
A pair of illegal immigrant siblings must escape a work farm when it becomes clear the company performs dangerous experiments on its employees.
Not very poetic, but I’m sure you can improve on it. The point is, it sets up the two leads while defining? – in broad strokes, but with clear details – their situation, their opposition, and their downfall if they fail. The fact they’re illegal shows they need whatever work they can get, but also how they can’t go to the authorities with whatever evidence they have. Plus it highlights the David & Goliath aspect of two kids facing down an entire evil organization.
Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes…that’s all a logline needs. The rest goes in a script, treatment, or synopsis. See less
When her mother goes into rehab, the 16 year old girl must go with her father, a country singer, who is temporarily released from jail to do a tour.
This is a comedy? Sounds like a drama. Why does it say "the" girl like there's only one in existence? Too many commas. Never more than two, zero is often best. Always start a logline with the protagonist. Writing "When her mother" such and such makes the girl seem like a secondary character. Why isRead more
This is a comedy? Sounds like a drama.
Why does it say “the” girl like there’s only one in existence?
Too many commas. Never more than two, zero is often best.
Always start a logline with the protagonist. Writing “When her mother” such and such makes the girl seem like a secondary character.
Why is he temporarily released? Couldn’t he just be recently released?
Aside from the fact her mother’s in rehab and her father’s in jail, what’s the conflict? Give us an idea where the story will go.
Maybe something more like this: a teenage girl goes on tour with her country singer father she barely knows after he’s released from prison and her mother goes into rehab.
Still not telling us much about the story or conflict but at least there’s an indication of what might happen…he’s been in jail most her life, things haven’t been good with mom, drama and difficulties ensue.
See lessAn inexperienced detective finds evidence at a murder scene strangely matching that found at her mother?s death 20 years earlier and finds herself drawn into a vortex of deceit, terror and retribution
The only part of this which means anything is everything before "and finds herself," but all that is too wordy. And while it might sound like it makes sense to describe the detective as inexperienced, if she hasn't been a detective very long, it's actually impossible, because she would never make deRead more
The only part of this which means anything is everything before “and finds herself,” but all that is too wordy. And while it might sound like it makes sense to describe the detective as inexperienced, if she hasn’t been a detective very long, it’s actually impossible, because she would never make detective without a great deal of experience to qualify her. That title may be new to her, but she ain’t new to the job. So you could make it clear some other way, like so:
A young homicide detective becomes obsessed with her first case when it proves similar to her mother’s murder twenty years earlier.
That’s all we need to know to be interested in reading more about the story and this character. But whatever you choose to say about it, say it in the shortest way possible.
See less