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When a widow with 8 children finds $21 million dollars in black garbage bags stashed in an old barn, she decides to keep it, evading drug dealers DEA and FBI in a motor home cross-country road trip with her best friend and 10 children giving away money as she goes.
Did she have two more kids on the road? She starts out with eight and ends up with ten, so? Yes, the main character definitely needs a goal, both internal (emotional) and external (actual physical destination). What's at the end of the trip? Where is she going, and for what reason? What will she finRead more
Did she have two more kids on the road? She starts out with eight and ends up with ten, so?
Yes, the main character definitely needs a goal, both internal (emotional) and external (actual physical destination). What’s at the end of the trip? Where is she going, and for what reason? What will she find there? Do the kids want to go to Disneyland? Is one of them dying and wants to fulfill some wish? Do some of them have a different father and want to meet the one who’s still alive? There has to be some purpose to their trip, so her success in overcoming the obstacles presented along the way has some meaning.
Stating the goal will also help set the tone and genre, as it isn’t clear whether this is comedy, drama, action, thriller?there’s a problem with punctuation, too; no writing should ever be presented without proper proofreading.
See lessWhen a widow with 8 children finds $21 million dollars in black garbage bags stashed in an old barn, she decides to keep it, evading drug dealers DEA and FBI in a motor home cross-country road trip with her best friend and 10 children giving away money as she goes.
Did she have two more kids on the road? She starts out with eight and ends up with ten, so? Yes, the main character definitely needs a goal, both internal (emotional) and external (actual physical destination). What's at the end of the trip? Where is she going, and for what reason? What will she finRead more
Did she have two more kids on the road? She starts out with eight and ends up with ten, so?
Yes, the main character definitely needs a goal, both internal (emotional) and external (actual physical destination). What’s at the end of the trip? Where is she going, and for what reason? What will she find there? Do the kids want to go to Disneyland? Is one of them dying and wants to fulfill some wish? Do some of them have a different father and want to meet the one who’s still alive? There has to be some purpose to their trip, so her success in overcoming the obstacles presented along the way has some meaning.
Stating the goal will also help set the tone and genre, as it isn’t clear whether this is comedy, drama, action, thriller?there’s a problem with punctuation, too; no writing should ever be presented without proper proofreading.
See lessIn order to create a replacement ?Master Vampire? after his is accidentally killed, a perfectionist thrall has 48 hours to steal and consume the blood of 100 virgins from a mobile high-school blood bank, before he and his master's other sons' powers wain, and they succumb to mortality.
Way too long and convoluted. Too many unnecessary details. I'm not even sure what the story is until I stop and think and sort it out. You don't want a logline forcing people to stop and think to understand it; you want it to be clear and concise. Keep it simple, keep it short, keep it moving. Here'Read more
Way too long and convoluted. Too many unnecessary details. I’m not even sure what the story is until I stop and think and sort it out. You don’t want a logline forcing people to stop and think to understand it; you want it to be clear and concise. Keep it simple, keep it short, keep it moving. Here’s a possible alternative:
“When a vampire servant accidentally kills his Master, he must collect the blood of a hundred virgins before his entire family succumbs to mortality.”
See less