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In order to create a replacement ?Master Vampire? after his is accidentally killed, a perfectionist thrall has 48 hours to steal and consume the blood of 100 virgins from a mobile high-school blood bank, before he and his master's other sons' powers wain, and they succumb to mortality.
Way too long and convoluted. Too many unnecessary details. I'm not even sure what the story is until I stop and think and sort it out. You don't want a logline forcing people to stop and think to understand it; you want it to be clear and concise. Keep it simple, keep it short, keep it moving. Here'Read more
Way too long and convoluted. Too many unnecessary details. I’m not even sure what the story is until I stop and think and sort it out. You don’t want a logline forcing people to stop and think to understand it; you want it to be clear and concise. Keep it simple, keep it short, keep it moving. Here’s a possible alternative:
“When a vampire servant accidentally kills his Master, he must collect the blood of a hundred virgins before his entire family succumbs to mortality.”
See lessIn 1983 when a comedian wakes up with amnesia, dressed in a tutu, he is threatened by a notorious drug dealer and must now discover his true identity in order to save his life.
Why is it set in 1983? The answer may appear in the script, but if it isn't clear in the logline, you're only raising questions without answering them, and that's no good. You want to make a reader interested in the script because they're interested in the story, not confuse them regarding its detaiRead more
Why is it set in 1983? The answer may appear in the script, but if it isn’t clear in the logline, you’re only raising questions without answering them, and that’s no good. You want to make a reader interested in the script because they’re interested in the story, not confuse them regarding its details.
There’s no reason we need to know in a logline he’s wearing a tutu when he wakes up. Give us the general idea of the story, establish the protagonist and his major conflict, save the details for a synopsis or treatment. And keep it short, as short as possible while still making it sound intriguing. Something like this:
“A cocaine-addicted comedian with amnesia has 48 hours to pay off the drug dealer threatening to kill him, put on a show that could launch his career, and find out who he really is.”
This makes clear not only the conflict but the stakes and the antagonist, without forcing any questions about things that don’t make sense without more information. I don’t know if your script includes anything about doing his act, but he’s got to be doing something more than just trying to find money to pay the guy and not get killed, so it’s good to mention that part of the story.
See lessIn 1983 when a comedian wakes up with amnesia, dressed in a tutu, he is threatened by a notorious drug dealer and must now discover his true identity in order to save his life.
Why is it set in 1983? The answer may appear in the script, but if it isn't clear in the logline, you're only raising questions without answering them, and that's no good. You want to make a reader interested in the script because they're interested in the story, not confuse them regarding its detaiRead more
Why is it set in 1983? The answer may appear in the script, but if it isn’t clear in the logline, you’re only raising questions without answering them, and that’s no good. You want to make a reader interested in the script because they’re interested in the story, not confuse them regarding its details.
There’s no reason we need to know in a logline he’s wearing a tutu when he wakes up. Give us the general idea of the story, establish the protagonist and his major conflict, save the details for a synopsis or treatment. And keep it short, as short as possible while still making it sound intriguing. Something like this:
“A cocaine-addicted comedian with amnesia has 48 hours to pay off the drug dealer threatening to kill him, put on a show that could launch his career, and find out who he really is.”
This makes clear not only the conflict but the stakes and the antagonist, without forcing any questions about things that don’t make sense without more information. I don’t know if your script includes anything about doing his act, but he’s got to be doing something more than just trying to find money to pay the guy and not get killed, so it’s good to mention that part of the story.
See less