1. Posted: July 23, 2015In:

    On the brink of instantaneous cloning technology a physicist makes a deal with an old friend for the key to his theory in return for a clone of his wife, but when the cloning goes wrong and his wife begins to forget who he is he must find her clone and decide which version deserves to live.

    mrliteral Samurai

    I'm not at all clear on what anyone here is talking about so far, but it definitely sounds misogynist. Putting that aspect aside for a second, I'll present the same advice I give everybody: boil it down to its basic details and story elements. Protagonist, goal, antagonist, obstacle. So this is howRead more

    I’m not at all clear on what anyone here is talking about so far, but it definitely sounds misogynist. Putting that aspect aside for a second, I’ll present the same advice I give everybody: boil it down to its basic details and story elements. Protagonist, goal, antagonist, obstacle. So this is how you might clean it up and pare it down, IF I understand the story correctly:

    A scientist shares research with a reclusive competitor and clones the woman they both desire, but must track down his rival and the copy when the original begins losing her memory.

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  2. Posted: July 24, 2015In:

    In the claustrophobia of a haunted flat, an immature voodoo sorcerer makes a terrible choice when he calls upon his dark gods to seek revenge for a broken heart.

    mrliteral Samurai

    That's very long, and doesn't provide a clear picture of the story. Also: not sure voodoo is the same as sorcery. But this has to be cleared up and cut down. I'm a big believer in stating four basics, and that's all: protagonist, goal, antagonist, obstacle. All other details can be provided in longeRead more

    That’s very long, and doesn’t provide a clear picture of the story. Also: not sure voodoo is the same as sorcery. But this has to be cleared up and cut down. I’m a big believer in stating four basics, and that’s all: protagonist, goal, antagonist, obstacle. All other details can be provided in longer summaries. So it might work more like this:

    A heartbroken young man summons voodoo spirits to exact revenge on his ex-girlfriend, but must save himself when they turn against him.

    Or:

    A heartbroken young man must save his soul when the voodoo spirits he summoned to punish his ex-girlfriend turn against him instead.

    Or you could do it this way, though I think it’s often stronger to identify the main character immediately: After summoning voodoo spirits to punish his ex-girlfriend, a heartbroken young man must save his soul when they come after him instead.

    One thing you’ll really want to think about is how to get across the genre. Is it true horror/thriller, or more of a dark comedy? It could go either way, but you want to have the concept made clear by the words you choose.

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  3. Posted: July 24, 2015In:

    When a group of aspiring screenwriters join a workshop held in an isolated country house, they find themselves prisoners of a perverse guru and they must write a perfect script or face torture and death.

    mrliteral Samurai

    Not sure why it's in past tense; if that's just a typo or you intended it. Either way, you should know better. As for the logline, I've never understood why so many people try the form of "When this happens, protagonist must do this." Unnecessary setup. Cut it down to the absolute basic information,Read more

    Not sure why it’s in past tense; if that’s just a typo or you intended it. Either way, you should know better.

    As for the logline, I’ve never understood why so many people try the form of “When this happens, protagonist must do this.” Unnecessary setup. Cut it down to the absolute basic information, like:

    “A group of aspiring screenwriters must write a perfect script to avoid torture and death at the hands of a perverse guru.”

    Protagonist, goal, antagonist, obstacle. At this point, everything else is superfluous. As long as I understand what the story is mainly about, I don’t need to know anything more. It should make me WANT to know more, but not having to ask because I don’t understand it yet. It should be enticing, not confusing. Make me ask you for a summary, or synopsis, or the entire script, by making me interested to know more. Save the additional details for the next step.

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