1. Posted: January 8, 2018In:

    a broke man falls back to his “college dream band” only to realize his record producer is the mafia he is running from

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Of all endevours he could have pursued to securely make money, and fast, he chose PLAYING IN A BAND?!!Otherwise, what was the specific event (inciting incident) that starts the story and what specifically is his goal?A logline is used to describe a plot and a plot needs a main character (preferablyRead more

    Of all endevours he could have pursued to securely make money, and fast, he chose PLAYING IN A BAND?!!

    Otherwise, what was the specific event (inciting incident) that starts the story and what specifically is his goal?

    A logline is used to describe a plot and a plot needs a main character (preferably flawed), a start (inciting incident), a middle (main action) and end (goal). This logline has only 1.5 of the 4 crucial elements (“…broke man…” is not a flawed character).

    It seems as though you could benefit from reading up about loglines, check out the ‘Formula‘ tab on the top bar for more information.

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  2. Posted: January 3, 2018In:

    A Brainwashed boy genius is busted out of his facility and joins the fight against the corporate system that taught him to win at all costs.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with the above. I'll add that his inciting incident is vague - it's best to describe the starting point of the story as well as the end. What specifically motivated him to take action? Was it the corporation taking him? Him being busted out? Not sure that busting him out will hold up as an inRead more

    Agreed with the above. I’ll add that his inciting incident is vague – it’s best to describe the starting point of the story as well as the end.

    What specifically motivated him to take action? Was it the corporation taking him? Him being busted out? Not sure that busting him out will hold up as an inciting incident, it’s a big improvement in his life not the opposite and therefore doesn’t directly need fixing. Perhaps best to specify that he gets taken by the ‘big evil’ corporation and is therefore motivated to break out and stop them from doing the same to other kids.

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  3. Posted: January 7, 2018In:

    After his father’s second marriage, a teenage boy learns to navigate his new life, only to discover his stepmom’s a narcissist..

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Comedy might work well for this concept. Like DPG, I don't find the stepmum as a "...narcissist..." a big enough of a problem to be story worthy. Best you give her negative characteristics a practical implementation that impacts the MC's life in a significant way. What's the worst thing she did to hRead more

    Comedy might work well for this concept.

    Like DPG, I don’t find the stepmum as a “…narcissist…” a big enough of a problem to be story worthy. Best you give her negative characteristics a practical implementation that impacts the MC’s life in a significant way.

    What’s the worst thing she did to him?

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