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Haunted by the tragic loss of his estranged father, a young Samoan-American must choose between his corporate job or follow in his late father?s footsteps as the last in a long line of fire-knife dancers.
To choose is not to take action, and what will make this interesting is the actions he takes as a result of the choice he makes. Also best to re structure the concept so that the father's death motivates the main character, in other words use the father's passing as the inciting incident. After hisRead more
To choose is not to take action, and what will make this interesting is the actions he takes as a result of the choice he makes.
Also best to re structure the concept so that the father’s death motivates the main character, in other words use the father’s passing as the inciting incident.
After his father dies a Samoan-American…
I would also recommend to strengthen the bond between the father and son – instead of estranged make him beloved.
See lessUsing a mysterious equation to predict how and when he’ll die, a wealthy businessman must kill a corrupt government official to prevent his untimely demise, but when things go awry he starts to question if he is preventing or creating his fate.
The kill or be killed theme is interesting, but I'm not sure the "?mysterious equation?" is working in the logline. Firstly, what is?a mysterious equation? What makes it mysterious? The description of how he finds out his particular form of death is confusing, and I believe redundant in the logline.Read more
The kill or be killed theme is interesting, but I’m not sure the “?mysterious equation?” is working in the logline.
Firstly, what is?a mysterious equation? What makes it mysterious?
The description of how he finds out his particular form of death is confusing, and I believe redundant in the logline. The “hook” that got me interested was the “man finds out who will kill him” part, how he finds out was less important.
Secondly the connection between a mathematical equation and assassinating a politician seems tenuous at best, as a result the main character sounds like he could be paranoid delusional. This kind of main character would be very difficult to empathise with, so perhaps better to describe his finding out who will kill him in more concrete terms?
It does sound as if you want to play with fate though, and the scifi?element also seems to be prominent. If this is the case I would recommend using a more obvert version of it, for example:
After being shown his future murder a business man must assassinate a senator to save his own life.
See lessAfter being pressured by the cops to turn informant a teen is sent on a run by her drug dealer boss, who is holding her younger sister, knowing this run will get her killed.
The logline is confusing which reflects a potential problem in the story, additionally?the basic logic at the base of the premise is flawed - If she will die at as a result of her last run then, how does she know the boss will set her sister free? I believe?the concept needs re thinking especially iRead more
The logline is confusing which reflects a potential problem in the story, additionally?the basic logic at the base of the premise is flawed – If she will die at as a result of her last run then, how does she know the boss will set her sister free?
I believe?the concept needs re thinking especially if you are still structuring the plot.
It looks as if the inciting incident is her boss kidnapping the sister, best to use this as the powerful motivator and drop the rest.
More detail is needed but here is a good start:
See lessAfter her drug dealing boss kidnaps her sister, a drug mule must do one last run in order to save her sister’s life.