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When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.
Good re draft of the logline. Glad the personal stake have been brought in, I think the drug addiction can work very well in this concept. It illustrates human weaknesses especially when put up against an android partner who would not have any of these short comings. AIs are suppose to be perfect inRead more
Good re draft of the logline.
Glad the personal stake have been brought in, I think the drug addiction can work very well in this concept. It illustrates human weaknesses especially when put up against an android partner who would not have any of these short comings. AIs are suppose to be perfect in this world, BUT WAIT an AI killed a woman – cue dramatic music…
I think the irony of comparing problems in humans with problems in androids will elevate this concept , but as mentioned above best to tie the drug addiction into the plot.
How about his sister was an addict her self and her death is treated at first as a suicide but the MC knows better, this way his obstacle is even greater as the police don’t really care and the android detective must defy orders (a big no no for AIs) before he helps the MC out. This would further test the lines of AI and human error.
See lessIn a world where most jobs have been taken over by AI’s, a drug addicted private investigator is hired to help an android detective solve a murder case that threatens the very foundations of society.
Agreed with the above, the vague and generic descriptions work agains the logline. Also as in most good detective stories, best to engineer a personal stake for the MC and use that as the inciting incident. Otherwise getting hired to do another job is not an inciting incident, it's his usual day-to-Read more
Agreed with the above, the vague and generic descriptions work agains the logline.
Also as in most good detective stories, best to engineer a personal stake for the MC and use that as the inciting incident. Otherwise getting hired to do another job is not an inciting incident, it’s his usual day-to-day.
Considering the world you have (advanced technologies, AI and what ever else you have in it) what is truly out of the ordinary for this particular PI?
See lessMake that his inciting incident.
When a traitor agent quits and takes their biggest star to a competitor, the staff of “UNDERDOGS”, a boutique Talent Agency for Dogs: its owner, a bellicose no-nonsense New Yorker; a casting director, a debonair bitter out of place old-timer; and a casting agent, an aspiring actress more interested to getting cast herself than casting man’s best friends, scramble to find a replacement for a huge German Beer commercial; if they don’t, their agency will go to dogs. In the ensuing pandemonium a receptionist sees a big opportunity for his poodle. But will the Germans accept a French Poodle as a substitute of Saint Bernard and will the French Poodle be able to overcome his stage fright? The “Underdogs” better find out the answers soon, because the German patience is running thin and they are that close to kissing “Underdogs” Auf Wiedersehen.
The ensemble description is a bad idea for a logline in general and in this particular case complicates the read. Loglines are best used to describe a single plot, and ideally about a single protagonist. You could write a dual protagonist plot, but those are hard to execute well - with every main chRead more
The ensemble description is a bad idea for a logline in general and in this particular case complicates the read.
Loglines are best used to describe a single plot, and ideally about a single protagonist. You could write a dual protagonist plot, but those are hard to execute well – with every main character you add to your story it gets exponentially harder to write.
Agreed with DPG this is too long and you are trying to describe too many elements in one sentence. Take only the biggest plot points and use them, and only them, to describe your plot.
Who is the main character?
What is her flaw?
What is her obstacle?
What is her goal?
I suggest re drafting the logline and including only the answers to the above questions. In addition I think it would benefit your concept if you were to increase the stakes and make them clear, according to the latest draft I think the stake is bankruptcy, can you make it even greater? Would the MC stand to? lose her life savings and home perhaps? Just a thought.
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