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In 1984, a meek high school teen is hired by the local Top 40 Station and sets out on a wild summer odyssey where he falls face first in love, and fist first into bully Bill Carter.
The latest draft of the logline is too convoluted, it delays any plot descriptions until the middle "...but when he meets the girl...". Essentially this is a boy meets girl (as literally described in the logline)? plot, this means that the inciting incident is the boy falling in love. Accordingly meRead more
The latest draft of the logline is too convoluted, it delays any plot descriptions until the middle “…but when he meets the girl…”. Essentially this is a boy meets girl (as literally described in the logline)? plot, this means that the inciting incident is the boy falling in love. Accordingly mention this first and delete the first half of the sentence as it doesn’t contribute to the reader’s understanding of the plot.
The character descriptions should be changed as it could be read as if the MC is a teen in his 80’s…? and “…looking to shake up his ho-hum existence…” is not a story worthy problem, I think these can be dropped all together from the logline seeing as they don’t contribute to the story.
Lastly, none of the story elements seam to logically connect; radio DJ, girl, him being meek and the radio station’s top 40 count down.
As an example:
See lessAfter meeting the girl of his dreams a meek teen with a fake ID gets a job at the local radio station to impress her enough so she leaves her boy friend the school bully.
In 1984, a meek high school teen is hired by the local Top 40 Station and sets out on a wild summer odyssey where he falls face first in love, and fist first into bully Bill Carter.
It reads as very similar to Almost Famous, be sure to introduce enough distinctions in the story to set this concept apart. The inciting incident seems weak and the connection to the rest of the plot is unclear. What is a local top 40 station? Is this a radio station that lists the top 40 songs everRead more
It reads as very similar to Almost Famous, be sure to introduce enough distinctions in the story to set this concept apart.
The inciting incident seems weak and the connection to the rest of the plot is unclear. What is a local top 40 station? Is this a radio station that lists the top 40 songs every week? If so best to describe it as a radio station regardless it’s top 40 countdown program. This is so the premise is clearly understood from the first read.
Secondly he is hired but to do what? In Almost Famous the main character is hired to write an article by Rolling Stone Magazine, in the logline above the MC could have been hired as a cleaner, a DJ or a researcher but which one is it? How does this propel him into a journey or motivate him to achieve a goal?
And as Craig said what is his goal? This needs to be specified in the logline.
See lessThe true story from 1921 of Nellie Doherty who, after she is kicked off her work team, starts Australia’s first Ladies’ Rugby League. Nellie must overcome not only opposition from all sides but her own fury and anguish at the death of her star-player brother in the Great War.
No need to mention what the story is based on i.e true events, nor the name of the main character, rather best to describe the plot via the specific events that make it up. The logline raises a question, why must she overcome opposition? In other words, what is at stake? What is the worst thing thatRead more
No need to mention what the story is based on i.e true events, nor the name of the main character, rather best to describe the plot via the specific events that make it up.
The logline raises a question, why must she overcome opposition? In other words, what is at stake? What is the worst thing that will happen if she fails? Secondly and more importantly what is it she must achieve? According to the logline she started the first women’s only league, but then what? What is her objective goal after this?
Lastly the inciting incident is unclear.
See lessWhat does “…after she is kicked off her work team…” mean? Was she fired from work or was she kicked off a rugby team sponsored by her employer? I think you mean the latter, if so specify this in the logline as some readers could misunderstand that point.
However I don’t understand why this is such a strong motivator for the main character, why would getting kicked off the team make her need to set up a new women’s league? Couldn’t she just join another team?
Is there another reason with strong motivation for her to setup the new league instead? Perhaps something that makes it personal for her? Other wise the cause and effect connection between these events is vague.