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In Johannesburg in 1984, a black gay, political activist determined to rewrite the constitution of a nation, is arrested, faced with the death penalty, he must fight against a police officer with a personal vendetta and an AIDS diagnosis that only gives him a few months to live.
There are two big issues (AIDS and Aparthide) dealt with in the one concept, both are story worthy and can be used in the script but only one needs to be in the logline. I remember you posting this a while back, the latest version is an improvement but it still needs to be distilled down for a decisRead more
There are two big issues (AIDS and Aparthide) dealt with in the one concept, both are story worthy and can be used in the script but only one needs to be in the logline. I remember you posting this a while back, the latest version is an improvement but it still needs to be distilled down for a decision maker to be able to wrap their head around the story in an efficient manner. AIDS should be taken out of the logline as there’s no conflict with the disease, it’s a ticking time bomb but so is the death sentence. The personal vendetta is a negative objective and can play against the MC without a proper setup. Ultimately his fight against the regime is the biggest issue of all as it applies to millions of people fighting that makes him a true hero.
My try:
See lessAfter a vengful police officer jails a black activist during apartheid, he must lead a movement from inside the prison to change the constitution and free South Africa before his death sentence.
After a lovesick flight attendant and the wife of a doppelganger of a famous actor becomes pregnant by him, he sets out to convince them to share a home with him.
My first reaction was to stay WELL AWAY from this thread... but then I thought an impartial opinion could help clarify a few things.First and foremost, we encourage all members to express their honest opinions about a story/logline in full - this is the only way we can actually learn from each otherRead more
My first reaction was to stay WELL AWAY from this thread… but then I thought an impartial opinion could help clarify a few things.
First and foremost, we encourage all members to express their honest opinions about a story/logline in full – this is the only way we can actually learn from each other. If anyone finds someone’s thoughts unpleasing or otherwise different to their own, no biggie, it happens all the time – my approach is to thank them for their time and move on to the next comment.
I believe that any remarks made with a social-political context about a concept are intended to highlight a marketing/pitching caveat rather than be a criticism of any kind. If this wasn’t the case, then we do apologise – this website exists for the discussion of story in general, loglines in particular and nothing else.
See lessAfter the only doctor in a small isolated village falls prey to a rising unsolvable disease–making the victim’s psyche that of farm animals–a vetenarian steps up to solve the mystery, only to discover a bigger conspiracy.
Agreed with most of what FreeWill wrote. This sounds like a good twist on the infectious disease trope and has some wonderful human/animal nature theme elements built in. I think you need to rewrite the logline from the veterinarian's point of view and raise the stakes by making them personal. For eRead more
Agreed with most of what FreeWill wrote.
This sounds like a good twist on the infectious disease trope and has some wonderful human/animal nature theme elements built in. I think you need to rewrite the logline from the veterinarian’s point of view and raise the stakes by making them personal.
For example:
After her brother contracts a mysterious virus that makes humans behave like animals, a xenophobe veterinarian is the only one who can save the isolated village he lives in.
It almost sounds like a black comedy instead of a thriller.
See less