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A? newcomer in New York City,? befriends a lovely housewife who’s harboring a dark secret from them.
The criminals pale in comparison to the aliens, so best to only describe the aliens in the logline. The criminals may play out in the script, but they're not adding enough value to warrant being described in the logline. Why two main characters? Unless you have an odd couple buddy story, it would beRead more
The criminals pale in comparison to the aliens, so best to only describe the aliens in the logline. The criminals may play out in the script, but they’re not adding enough value to warrant being described in the logline.
Why two main characters? Unless you have an odd couple buddy story, it would be better to specify one main character.
Also, ss being led by a Russian gang leader a bad thing? If so, it doesn’t come across as such in the logline. What about the Russian gang leader makes her a problem?
Lastly, how is the gang leader’s sex relevant?
Whether female or male, the Russian gangster character will still fulfill the same role (the role is unclear in the logline, but that’s beside the point). Therefore, as every word in a logline counts, and as that description doesn’t inform the story, it should be cut out or changed.
See lessAfter a heart attack on his highschool graduation, an obese mama’s boy sets off to lose a hundred pounds before starting college, in the hopes of getting laid and avoiding an early grave.
Agreed, this is a great premise. I'm tempted to suggest an alternative goal, but staying alive is good. Unrelated to the logline, it would be good if you included in the script that his father died at an early age, so he would have a real-life example of the consequences if he fails. Here is a wordiRead more
Agreed, this is a great premise.
I’m tempted to suggest an alternative goal, but staying alive is good. Unrelated to the logline, it would be good if you included in the script that his father died at an early age, so he would have a real-life example of the consequences if he fails.
Here is a wording improvement suggestion:
After suffering a heart attack, a mama’s boy sets off to lose a hundred pounds before getting into college in order to save his life.
We get that he’s obese and in highschool, so there’s no need for these descriptions.
See lessWhile shooting their first music video, a local metal band on the rise quickly realizes that the urban legend surrounding their filming location is true: When people enter, they don?t exit.
Agreed with the above. Also, it would be better to specify who of the band members is the main character. It's clear they're all in ganger and they all have to work together, but it would be better for you to identify the central character through whom we gain access to the story.
Agreed with the above.
Also, it would be better to specify who of the band members is the main character. It’s clear they’re all in ganger and they all have to work together, but it would be better for you to identify the central character through whom we gain access to the story.
See less