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A kind-hearted, school teacher is ready to move into his first home but finds one problem–a woman in a blood-stained nightgown–hiding in the closet.
Good point raised by Foxtrot25. You ended the logline with the inciting incident but failed to describe his goal - the most important thing in a logline. I suggest you restructure the sentence so it starts with the discovery: After a school teacher discovers a woman wearing a blood-soaked nightgownRead more
Good point raised by Foxtrot25.
You ended the logline with the inciting incident but failed to describe his goal – the most important thing in a logline. I suggest you restructure the sentence so it starts with the discovery: After a school teacher discovers a woman wearing a blood-soaked nightgown in his new home, he must…
However, as Richiev pointed out, he can call the cops end of story. What this means is that the concept is lacking obstacles and conflict, why is this a problem for him? What’s stopping him from kicking her out or calling the police?
See lessWhen she inadvertently creates an empathetic AI in her online search for Mr. Right, a lonely computer programmer, comes under intense government scrutiny, which leaves her with only one option?interacting with a human.
Good points made by Richiev and DPG. I'll make the same suggestion I previously made on the older version - why not write it from the AI's point of view? He or she has the most to lose - it's a life and death situation for him or her. Logically, the fight for survival, when coupled with a fight forRead more
Good points made by Richiev and DPG.
I’ll make the same suggestion I previously made on the older version – why not write it from the AI’s point of view?
He or she has the most to lose – it’s a life and death situation for him or her. Logically, the fight for survival, when coupled with a fight for love, would elevate the sci-fi elements in your story.
See lessAfter receiving a video of her perfect fianc? committing what looks like a sexual assault, the soon-to-be bride is torn between trusting her man or trusting her gut.
Agreed with Richiev and Karel. The premise, in my mind, is a problem.? As photographic evidence is damning, there's no room left for doubt - what else can she do other than ditch the wedding and turn him over to the authorities? Especially in today's climate. If, however, there was only an accusatioRead more
Agreed with Richiev and Karel.
The premise, in my mind, is a problem.? As photographic evidence is damning, there’s no room left for doubt – what else can she do other than ditch the wedding and turn him over to the authorities? Especially in today’s climate.
If, however, there was only an accusation and no hard proof she could be thrown into doubt and left to decided what’s right and what’s wrong. In other words, you should give the MC a moral dilemma instead of a clear-cut situation. Then, as the others have noted, give her a set of actions in pursuit of a compelling goal – perhaps prove his innocents.
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