1. Posted: November 13, 2017In:

    (short film) When a Yemeni family loses their father in a drone strike during war, the youngest child takes over his business to sell all water bottles in order to pay for his badly-injured mothers operation.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    The form of death seems irrelevant and could be cut to save on the great word count in the logline. For example: After his father is killed a boy takes over the family business to sell water bottles in order to pay for his mother's life-saving operation. The only problem I have with this is the lackRead more

    The form of death seems irrelevant and could be cut to save on the great word count in the logline.

    For example:
    After his father is killed a boy takes over the family business to sell water bottles in order to pay for his mother’s life-saving operation.

    The only problem I have with this is the lack of conflict. The bulk of the story is the boy selling water bottles, then when enough are sold the mother gets her operation. Is there something stopping him from selling the bottles? Is there a large competitor he is up against?

    Also, what kind of a boy is he? “…youngest child…” is too generic and the logline needs a specific type of character for the story to sound more interesting.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: November 11, 2017In:

    After her retired client dies, a social worker risks her life when she discovers a fake agency luring properties from pensioners in exchange for a till-the-end-of-their-life home care. (latest update)

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    What is the motivation for her to investigate the death? What was so suspicious about the death? However, if the old guy or gal would have disappeared, then the circumstances could be seen as suspicious. Otherwise, sad as it may be, seniors die at a higher rate than members of younger demographics.

    What is the motivation for her to investigate the death? What was so suspicious about the death? However, if the old guy or gal would have disappeared, then the circumstances could be seen as suspicious. Otherwise, sad as it may be, seniors die at a higher rate than members of younger demographics.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: November 12, 2017In:

    (short script) When a pair of bumbling friends encounter a moody Princess, one of them makes sure that she is given a lesson in humility.

    Best Answer
    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with all the above. I suggest you use the Princess' character against her, in other words, let her flaw make her do something to the protagonists - this would become their inciting incident and tie into the plot. For example, if she was somehow stranded on the streets and was mean to a homeleRead more

    Agreed with all the above.

    I suggest you use the Princess’ character against her, in other words, let her flaw make her do something to the protagonists – this would become their inciting incident and tie into the plot. For example, if she was somehow stranded on the streets and was mean to a homeless man by stealing the little bit of money he had when he was asleep so she can contact her family, that would force him to take action. Her flaw of selfishness caused a situation that motivated the poor guy. This isn’t quite your story but the point is made – connect the character tendencies and actions with a cause and effect relationship.

    See less
    • 0