1. Posted: August 31, 2017In:

    When an FBI agent is called to investigate the murder of a teenage girl, he is thrust into the underworld of a small wooded town in the Pacific Northwest. A surreal and introspective look into the corruption of the American Dream.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Kind of Twin Peaks, wouldn't you say? Also, if the FBI guy is investigating a murder he's pretty much doing his job. Anything else you could add to make it unusual or personal and not just a nother day on the job?

    Kind of Twin Peaks, wouldn’t you say?

    Also, if the FBI guy is investigating a murder he’s pretty much doing his job. Anything else you could add to make it unusual or personal and not just a nother day on the job?

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  2. Posted: August 31, 2017In:

    After attempting to escape the mob Sal Mano?s boss puts a bounty on his head. His daughter Bell must find a way to retrieve her family fortune in order to save her father?s life.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    First thing is, no names are needed in a logline unless it's a pre existing franchise or a historical figure. Second, you can cut the first part and replace it with a shorter description of the threat to her father's life - the inciting incident. The last thing, you specify that she must find a wayRead more

    First thing is, no names are needed in a logline unless it’s a pre existing franchise or a historical figure. Second, you can cut the first part and replace it with a shorter description of the threat to her father’s life – the inciting incident. The last thing, you specify that she must find a way to retrieve the fortune, but wouldn’t it be more accurate to write that she must retrieve it. It’s only logical that once she figures out how to get it she’ll go and get it, therefore, the bulk of her action will be fortune retrieval.

    Here is a quick re write of your logline:

    After a mob boss abducts her father, a high school computer geek must find her lost ancestral fortune in an ancient Mayan city to pay the ransom.

    May not be your story, but I’ve removed the excess fat and added in a few details.

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  3. Posted: August 31, 2017In:

    When, after being revived from a near drowning, a devout little girl is plagued by nightly visits from an evil dwarf-like creature, (22) her two disbelieving teen brothers must convince their terrified, and missing, African housekeeper to help them find a way to banish it. (44)

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    There are too many strange and unrelated descriptions in this version. I take it the numbers in the logline are word counts, if so, best you remove them. It reads as if the two brothers are the main characters, if this is the case, you only describe the first thing they do but not their main actionRead more

    There are too many strange and unrelated descriptions in this version. I take it the numbers in the logline are word counts, if so, best you remove them.

    It reads as if the two brothers are the main characters, if this is the case, you only describe the first thing they do but not their main action in the film. Convincing the housekeeper to help is one little thing, actually doing something with said help is the main plot and still missing from the logline.

    Secondly, there is a logic flaw in the descriptions of the housekeeper – how can he or she be missing if they know where he or she is and are able to convince him or her to help?

    Lastly, is “…African…” relevant? And what is he or she terrified of?

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