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A unacknowledged nerd-jock joins the Tycan collective to save earth from the devastating Kirillian armada, and humanity from itself.
The logline describes "...the Tycan collectives..."? and the "...Kirillian Armada..." as if these are things the reader should know before reading the logline. Are these part of an existing IP? Or are these your inventions in the script? If the latter, best describe them instead of naming them. SecoRead more
The logline describes “…the Tycan collectives…”? and the “…Kirillian Armada…” as if these are things the reader should know before reading the logline. Are these part of an existing IP? Or are these your inventions in the script?
If the latter, best describe them instead of naming them.
Secondly, the goal is unclear, what does “…save humanity from itself…” mean? And what will the MC actually do to save the world?
See lessA lonely computer programmer?s unorthodox online search for ?Mr. Right? is terminated by the government, so she tries something radical?interfacing with a human.
What are the stakes? It seems like a rather tame affair. Finding MR. Right, not finding him, has been done before, and oh so many times.? Is there anything else about her story that will make her finding a BF stand out?Also, is the government involved for a reason or is it just filling the need forRead more
What are the stakes? It seems like a rather tame affair. Finding MR. Right, not finding him, has been done before, and oh so many times.? Is there anything else about her story that will make her finding a BF stand out?
Also, is the government involved for a reason or is it just filling the need for a powerful force standing in her way?
See lessTwo females of an ancient African tribe who morph into elephants save the life of a young girl but the village witch doctor sees them as abominations and issues their deaths.
"...Two females..." - how very broad, nonspecific and vague a description...? Mothers? Daughters? Wives? Basket weavers?? Beyond their gender, even in a primitive society,? there are still some details about the character you could use to describe them with. Why do they morph? This sounds like the iRead more
“…Two females…” – how very broad, nonspecific and vague a description…? Mothers? Daughters? Wives? Basket weavers?? Beyond their gender, even in a primitive society,? there are still some details about the character you could use to describe them with.
Why do they morph? This sounds like the inciting incident, but you also mention a young girl in peril. Could it be that what ever happened to the girl is the inciting incident? If so best describe it as such.
I can’t see how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together here, them morphing into elephants doesn’t seem connected to the young girl being in danger and the witch doctor is described late in the game. How is he or she related to the girl and the two women? Did the witch doctor cause the morph or put the girl in danger?
Also, why two women? Best you focus your story on one protagonist, a plot about one character is hard enough to write much less about two.
Lastly, why elephants? How does being a large mammal give them an advantage over possessing a high capacity for reason and having opposing thumbs?
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