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Three genetically engineered soldiers must face discrimination as they struggle to find the kidnapped members of their squad.
Agreed with all the above comments.I'll add that you'd be better served if the logline would start with a clear description of the inciting incident as the base for the dramatic need. For example: After a member of their squadron was kidnapped, three genetically engineered soldiers must find their mRead more
Agreed with all the above comments.
I’ll add that you’d be better served if the logline would start with a clear description of the inciting incident as the base for the dramatic need. For example:
After a member of their squadron was kidnapped, three genetically engineered soldiers must find their missing brother if they are to save his life.
It still isn’t clear what their actions are going to be, must they find the fourth soldier behind enemy lines? Or in secret government labs?
See lessA daughter struggling to come to terms with her Father’s death discovers a dangerous secret. Attracting the attention of government, and forcing her family to flee the country.
Pet peeve - "...struggling to come to terms with..." this, unfortunately, is very common in loglines and rarely works well. This description doesn't contribute a clear plot detail to the reader's understanding of the story as it's vague in nature, best to cut it and focus on the dramatic problem atRead more
Pet peeve – “…struggling to come to terms with…” this, unfortunately, is very common in loglines and rarely works well. This description doesn’t contribute a clear plot detail to the reader’s understanding of the story as it’s vague in nature, best to cut it and focus on the dramatic problem at hand.
What is her goal? Depending on the country, fleeing it could be relatively easy. What country are they in?
Secondly, the obstacle is unclear. What does “…Attracting the attention of government…” mean? Are they being chased by a crazed official? Are they being hunted down by a team of assassins? Their obstacle needs to be clearly described.
See lessA trio of drag queens orchestrate a prison break to rescue their transgender roommate after she is wrongly incarcerated in a men’s facility.
I misread the concept, same as DPG, which may indicate a problem in the wording of the logline or a cognitive problem in the both of us...As for the concept, what is the reason for three protagonists? Why must they be drag queens? What are their flaws?The premise may not work in present day, as LGBTRead more
I misread the concept, same as DPG, which may indicate a problem in the wording of the logline or a cognitive problem in the both of us…
As for the concept, what is the reason for three protagonists? Why must they be drag queens? What are their flaws?
The premise may not work in present day, as LGBT matters are in main stream discussion, such a mix up would simply lack credibility. If you were to relocate the concept to less accepting times such as the 70’s, I could see how a transgender woman could be in such a situation.
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