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A memory damaged young man wakes impossibly from a long-term coma determined to find himself before it’s too late
Agreed with DPG - vague goals don't inform readers.On wording, "...wakes impossibly from..." should be rewritten as 'against all the odds, wakes from.'Aside from a vague goal and wording issues, the motivating event isn't clear. What forced him to take action? Was it being comatose in the first placRead more
Agreed with DPG – vague goals don’t inform readers.
On wording, “…wakes impossibly from…” should be rewritten as ‘against all the odds, wakes from.’
Aside from a vague goal and wording issues, the motivating event isn’t clear. What forced him to take action? Was it being comatose in the first place, waking up, or something else?
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See lessWhen the family restaurant is going under, a klutzy teenager accidentally creates a secret menu based on her cooking mishaps, and must keep up with the charade to help save the restaurant.
Agreed with the others, perhaps she discovers one great dish that no one thought of - the next big culinary hit. However, when asked to expand on the recipe and put together a whole menu, she's stumped and not sure how to do it.
Agreed with the others, perhaps she discovers one great dish that no one thought of – the next big culinary hit. However, when asked to expand on the recipe and put together a whole menu, she’s stumped and not sure how to do it.
See lessWhen two incompetent crews try to rob her bank at the same time, an ambitious bank manager must play one against the other to buy time and save the money.
Great suggestion from DPG. The only thing I can add is that the bank manager seems unrelated to the plot. In other words, if you were to replace her with any other manager the story would stay the same. This means that the plot isn't inherently an extension of her flaw and character. Perhaps it woulRead more
Great suggestion from DPG.
The only thing I can add is that the bank manager seems unrelated to the plot. In other words, if you were to replace her with any other manager the story would stay the same. This means that the plot isn’t inherently an extension of her flaw and character. Perhaps it would be better to describe her as a genuinely flawed character and make the premise a result of this flaw.
What if she was the security guard or head of security at the bank, and it’s her lack of professionalism or laziness that allows the robbers to break-in.
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