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After mystical criminals break a powerful witch out of prison, a wizard a part of a magic police force must lead her first mission to catch them.
The logline doesn't read well on account of the wording and punctuation, here is what I understand: The MC is a wizard policewoman who is put in charge of catching a runaway witch prisoner. Magic aside, this is about a cop catching a criminal. I don't see a 'hook' in the concept seeing as it's anothRead more
The logline doesn’t read well on account of the wording and punctuation, here is what I understand:
The MC is a wizard policewoman who is put in charge of catching a runaway witch prisoner.
Magic aside, this is about a cop catching a criminal. I don’t see a ‘hook’ in the concept seeing as it’s another day on the job for the cop. Once the initial impression from the visual effects spectacle wears off on the audience, the story alone needs to have more than just a cop chasing bad guy element.
Could the witch be related to the wizard cop? Could the Witch threaten to hurt the cop’s family?
The combination of supernatural and police procedural is good, however, I believe you can (and should) make the story work on more than one level.
See lessWhen a self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie falls for a devoted mother and city writer online, he must take responsibility for his own son, before winning her heart or losing his last chance for true love.
"...he wants her love but he can?t even love his own son so he needs to be able to?love (and take responsibility for) his own flesh and blood before he can truly love anyone else ..." This is not a cause and effect, it's a statement that you made in retrospect. If you were to ask any person the follRead more
“…he wants her love but he can?t even love his own son so he needs to be able to?love (and take responsibility for) his own flesh and blood before he can truly love anyone else …”
This is not a cause and effect, it’s a statement that you made in retrospect. If you were to ask any person the following:
If a long-haul trucker falls in love with a writer in the city, what do you think he should do?
The answer would be: well obviously he needs to drive from the desert to the city and go after the woman.
The answer would not be: well obviously he needs to take responsibility for and love his own son.
The two actions simply don’t add up to the goal you’re trying to have him pursue. He can have a subplot in which he patches up a broken relationship with his estranged son, but it’s not a part of the main (‘A’) plot and therefore shouldn’t be in the logline.
Cause and effect need to be inherent in the combination of events and actions, and the obstacles need to be cinematic not just internal emotions.
I suggest you think outside the box to find a better obstacle standing in his way from getting the girl, then devise a set of visual actions that will convey his pursuit of the goal. What if, he’s stuck on a 5 day trip from one side of the country to the other, and he gets the news that the love of his life is about to move overseas in 4 days. He now has to drive his loads faster than he should in order to get to her before she leaves forever.
See lessA secretly gay detective in the 1940’s must investigate the murder of the man with whom he had a love affair with.
I agree with Foxtrot, to some degree. Once the MC is established as gay and the audience get over the: 'OMG he's gay in the 40s' aspect, it's just another 'who dun it' only with a gay twist. I think the added complications as a result of the detective being gay need to be exploited more, and the conRead more
I agree with Foxtrot, to some degree.
Once the MC is established as gay and the audience get over the: ‘OMG he’s gay in the 40s’ aspect, it’s just another ‘who dun it’ only with a gay twist. I think the added complications as a result of the detective being gay need to be exploited more, and the connection of the dangers from the case to the MC need to be clarified.
What if the story took place in 1937, a year before Hitler became Time Magazine’s man of the year, and the married gay lover was killed by American Nazi sympathizers?
See lessThe gay detective will have to go into the lion’s den in order to catch the killers and put them away.